The Stress Doc's Q & A
Love & Relationships

1) A Cultural Divide: Is it Society or Personality?

Q. I've been dating this guy for about 4 months now. I feel like I don't know him at all. Our conversations are filled with a lot of tension, mainly because of cultural reasons. See we are both of the same culture (Egyptian), but I was born here in America, while he was born in Egypt. We grew up in two different societies. I guess I'm a little hard on myself, because I feel he has expectations of me as an Egyptian woman, while meanwhile, I was raised in America. What do I do?

A. Your letter is well-timed. I just led a workshop for folks in career transition for Fairfax County Government. There was a rich mix - Americans, a couple of African countries represented, a man from the Middle East and a woman from India. The latter was a bright, articulate and assertive computer professional. While born in India, she has spent almost half of her 30+ years in America. The recent loss of her computer job could be traced to interactions with her supervisor. This fellow was also born in India, but only fairly recently arrived in the United States. It appears this man had great difficulty accepting such assertive behavior from an Indian woman, especially with an Indian man. He did not want to fully understand, let alone accept, how his supervisee's years in the US -- her immigrant experience -- would impact traditional "Old World" values, perceptions and behaviors.

But I suspect he was also holding onto these traditional roles and expectations out of a sense of insecurity -- as a new immigrant and also stemming from his own personality/emotional issues. There seemed to be a fear that this woman might be more knowledgeable than he in some work-related areas. His ego may have been threatened. Perhaps he even worried about his job status and security.

I write this to let you know, while not an expert on Egyptian or, for that matter, international cultural diversity issues, living in the Washington, DC area, means being educated almost daily. Is there an older family member, Egyptian friend or spiritual advisor whom you both respect and who understands the seasoned vs. the new immigrant experience? If so, perhaps he or she can talk with this fellow you've been dating. Perhaps a discussion that acknowledged his adjustment anxieties might also hep this individual loosen up some of his proscribed expectations. Again, you need to assess what degree anxiety and a need for control, that is, personality issues not just societal differences come into play.

Another possibility, if you really want to make the relation work, despite the tensions, is seeking a counselor who has experience working with cultural/societal diversity issues with couples. For example, in the DC-area, I know a social worker, originally from the Philippines, with such a specialty. I would call your local chapter of the National Association of Social Workers for a referral.

While you were able to send me an email, I'm aware that these same "societal differences" might prove to be a roadblock. He might be resistant to going for psychological-communicational counseling. Alas, some male traits are fairly universal!

So, you may have to consider finding a more seasoned immigrant like yourself or, the next question: how do you feel about dating someone outside your society or cultural background? Do you feel independent enough form your native traditions and psychologically free enough of your family's expectations to allow yourself a wide latitude of possible dating partners and/or future mates? Again, if this is an area in which you would like more freedom, counseling also may be of help. To hard work, some inner peace and good adventures.

Mark Gorkin, LICSW, the Stress Doc, a psychotherapist and nationally recognized speaker, trainer, consultant and author, is also known as AOL's and the internet's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Check out his USA Today Online "Hot Site" website - www.stressdoc.com  and his page on AOL/Online Psych, Keyword: Stress Doc

** Join the Doc's "Shrink Rap and Group Chat" on AOL/Digital City, Tuesdays, 9-10:30pm EDT (AOL Members Only) -- Dig City Promo - Stress Doc.

** Special Announcement: For all cyberspace travelers, there's the new Ask the Stress Doc Q & A -- Love and Relationships  ...Check it out; send in your Qs.

** Also, Ask the Stress Doc Work Stress Q & A  Also, check the Doc's Work Stress Q & A archive.

** The Stress Doc's Work Stress Q&A  -- Ask the Stress Doc  is now featured on six Portals to the Web, including

1. Netscape Netcenter  
2. Compuserve
3. Digital City - Tell The Stress Doc
4. Digital City - Love & Relationship Q&A
5. MCI
6. AOL.COM Washington, DC - Home