Ask the Stress Doc -- Q & A

1) Dealing with an "Adolescent" Boss
2) When Business and Marriage Don't Mix

Q. I am an admin. assistant for an upper level manager at an industrial company. My boss is the worst communicator I have ever worked with and I am at my wits end. He went on vacation for two weeks and didn't even bother to tell me he would be gone. When he came back and I mentioned how this created difficulties in his absence, he said "You are not my keeper, I don't have to tell you where I am going." That was two months ago and things are still bad. When I need to page him to take care of urgent business, which is rare, he does not return my pages; however, if someone in another department or one of the men page him he responds immediately (I am the only female in the department.) When he is out of town, people call me with questions regarding our department's business that I can't answer because he does not tell me anything that is going on. I have to probe him for information concerning our company, but he gives very short answers and never openly volunteers anything.

A. Sure seems like your boss is an angry adolescent in adult clothing and he's making you out to be the nagging mother figure. Or maybe he just doesn't like women, and doesn't want you to succeed. Sometimes you need yo work with allies. Are you on good terms with any of the other men in the office? Would one be willing to talk to the boss on your behalf? Perhaps this frontman could flesh out some of the irrational perceptions this boss has of you. Frankly, though, I'm not too optimistic. I'm assuming there isn't a Human Resources Dept. or a union to file a grievance. The biggest lesson here may be that the world is not fair and, sometimes, people in power can be jerks. And they can get away with it. I think this is a no-win situation. I wouldn't want to be part of a team with such a dysfunctional manager. Don't let your "I'll show him, you can't o this to me" anger stand in the way of what needs to be done. Fire your boss! Move on to a workplace that will appreciate your sense of responsibility, talents, energy and commitment!

Q. I have been married to my husband for a year and a half. Unfortunately, we both work together. I'm there 9-5 and he works 1-12am. My problem is that I like to keep my personal life out of the office and I also feel like a single mother getting no help from him. Lately I've noticed he's become very depressed. I'm trying not to just snap when he start's his mellow drama. We are only in the same building together for about 4 hours but he just continues to upset me every chance he gets. He is now yelling and cursing at the staff, and all I get from him is just a one word answer. He doesn't want to spend any time with our daughter, he just wants to sleep all day. I can't take it any more and I'm about to demote him which will only embarrass me! Should that be what I feel or am I missing the bigger picture?

A. It sounds like both of you work in a family business, though I'm not clear. But you have more authority. If this is the case, does your husband have underlying feelings of jealousy and resentment? He sure seems to be both acting out anger and showing signs of depression ("yelling and cursing...and sleeping"). Also, some men feel left out when the wife (or v.v.) in the husband's mind (or in reality) spends more time and energy with the child than with him. Also, has the split schedule of your life interfered with quality time between you and hubby?

While it's important to understand the forest, nonetheless action must be taken quickly when a tree is diseased and can negatively impact the surrounding grove. Your husband's dysfunctional behavior must be confronted immediately. Instead of a demotion, I'd go for a business separation. At this point, the two of you should not be working together. I'd also strongly suggest marital counseling. If he refuses, maybe the marital partnership also needs reworking. Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, LICSW, the Stress Doc, a psychotherapist and nationally recognized speaker, trainer, consultant and author, is also known as AOL's and the internet's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Check out his USA Today Online "Hot Site" website - www.stressdoc.com  and his page on AOL/Online Psych, Keyword: Stress Doc

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