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As many of you know, I'm a big follower of Charlie Chaplin, a genius who surely would have found inspiration in these harrowing times. As Chaplin observed: The paradoxical thing about making comedy is that it's precisely the tragic which arouses the funny...We have to laugh due to our helplessness in the face of natural [or terroristic] forces and in order not to go crazy. Well, what you are about to read may give new meaning to the word, "tragic," and as for me not going crazy...it's way to late for that!

So let me give you fair warning....

(This lyric may be hazardous to the ironically-impaired!)

Anthrax Scare

by Mark Gorkin

"The Stress Doc" (TM)

Opening a letter
Breathing in the air
Gets you a purple heart
In this Anthrax scare.

Hey, a little white powder
Was always such fun, ah
For the safe daze of coke
And a hit of heroin.

The answer is simple
Become truly vice free
Pull the damn plug
On news addict TV.

So what's all the worry
About this Anthrax?
Hey, just go legal
Start pumping that Prozac.

The existential question
Well, it used to be:
Tummy tuck and nose job
Before I'm thirty-three?

Blow off the competition
Forget that aquiline bob
Just be first in line
For that dicey nasal swab.

The answer is simple
For escaping misery
Go out and find
Even worse off company.

So what's all the worry
About this Anthrax?
There's never been a shortage of
Hypochondriacs.

And let's not forget
Those post office folks.
For so many years
The butt of our jokes.

Still, there's a silver lining
When handling mail is hell...
Now all are excused
For going postal!

The answer is simple
Just live virtually
Always on cyber-guard
With your McAfee.

I'll start to worry
About this Anthrax
When attached in an email
Or sent in a FAX.

Who's the dark, swarthy guy
With cold steely eyes?
Is an al Qaeda man
Selling me those fries?

If spores and greasy oil
Can be mixed and poured
Now we're talking McTerror
And billions will be served.

The answer is quite simple
Doesn't take a third degree
Someone looking different
Assume they are guilty.

So what's all the worry
About this Anthrax?
We've bloated half the world
With our Big Mac Attacks.

So stock up on the Cipro
Make a fortress of your flat
Get the latest model gas mask
Absolutely STAT
For those that really matter...
Just you and your cat!

(c) Mark Gorkin 2001

Shrink Rap (TM) Productions

Some words, hopefully, to help laugh at ourselves and to...Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, is an internationally recognized speaker and syndicated writer on stress, anger management, reorganizational change, team building and HUMOR! The Doc was recently featured on CBS TV's Newspath segment -- Workplace Violence -- and in Biography Magazine. He is America Online's "Online Psychohumorist" ™ leading a weekly chat group for AOL/Digital City -- http://www.digitalcity.com/washington/stressdr . Check out his USA Today Online "HotSite" - www.stressdoc.com Stress Doc homepage. For more info, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 202-232-8662.