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Love & Relationships

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1) Being Stuck or Being Lonely: The Devil You Know...

Q. I've been in a relationship with my female partner for approximately 22 months, and it's been going downhill since the beginning, lack of communications and commitment seems to be the main problems. During the summer time, that is where most of the problems occur when we don't see each other that much. I have summer school and she has to go to work in another city which is the city right next to mine. It's not a far distance but I manage to see her as often as possible. Lately we've been talking about breaking up, but the problem is we fear being lonely. Help me out here. Should we just break up?

A. Those are two pretty big obstacles -- lack of communication and commitment. A few questions jump out: 1) Why are each of you so afraid to be alone? and 2) What do you mean by lack of communication? And, again, how come this lack?

Let's start with being alone. I find people have difficulty with aloneness when they: a) are anxious and they have to distract themselves continuously, b) are not feeling good about school, work or their social life, c) have not developed any creative outlets or have difficulty enjoying reading; perhaps a problem with Attention Deficit Disorder or too many hours playing video games or watching television, d) may have experienced some physically or emotional abuse as a child or teen, e) do not have one or two close friends they can share genuine issues and emotions with and f) may be experiencing unrecognized depression.

Of course, let's not minimize the 22 months the two of you have been together. that's a significant period of time, even if the relationship has been sliding downward for awhile. You both may need the help of a friend, family member, teacher, spiritual advisor or, maybe, a counselor to help you grieve the end of the relationship. It doesn't mean you can't be friends. But clinging to each other out of some dysfunctional fear will just block your ability to emotionally grow and fully move on with your individual lives.

Often young adults have several unfinished emotional issues and conflicts with their families of origin. To the extent these linger they can contribute greatly to communication difficulties. Your current partner is a catalyst for stirring up your old emotional "hot button" issues that predate her. And being unfinished emotionally with family (not that we ever fully differentiate ourselves) also correlates with being unsure of one's self-esteem and sense of identity. this vulnerability will certainly make commitment a daunting prospect.

I suggest some general counseling to help you confront what I call "The Four 'F's of Loss and Change": 1. Loss of the familiar past, 2. Loss of a predictable future, 3. Loss of face (the blow to self-esteem when a relationship is dysfunctional and/or when it breaks up) and 4. The challenge of regaining a present focus.

And perhaps a fifth "F": faith that is you get the right psychological and/or spiritual support you will experience the wisdom of Nobel Prize-winning French author, Albert Camus: "Once we have accepted the loss we understand that the loved one obstructed whole corner of the possible pure now as a sky washed by rain." And, of course...Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, LICSW, the Stress Doc, a psychotherapist and nationally recognized speaker, trainer, consultant and author, is also known as AOL's and the internet's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Check out his USA Today Online "Hot Site" website - www.stressdoc.com  and his page on AOL/Online Psych, Keyword: Stress Doc

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