Ask the Stress Doc -- Q & A

The Stress Doc fields a common question from a female reader. She's grappling with a female supervisor who is critical of female employees and fawning with male ones. And, the reader, upon receiving the Doc's suggestions, provides an uncommon reply of her own.

When a Female Supervisor Plays Cross Gender Favoritism

Dear Stress Doc,

I started a new life about 10 months ago, leaving family and friends to move to No. California where the living is cheaper and the elbow room roomier. It took me a few months to get a new job...as a clerk at the county's Social Services. My problem is that my new boss is a woman who doesn't really value women. She is short-tempered and critical at a moment's notice - usually for all the wrong reasons because she really isn't too aware what is actually going on - to all the women in our unit, but if the one man in the room is messing up (and he is a MAJOR mess), she never says a word of criticism. She also can be in a lousy mood, being anti-social and critical, but the minute any man walks in the room, she goes into this sickeningly flirtacious mode and is all pleasant and agreeable. Since I have to work with her for a long time, what can I do to deal with this weird aspect of her personality??? I really don't want to leave but I also don't know how to operate efficiently with this incongruity. Thank you, J.

I receive a number of emails about this kind of problem: a woman supervisor who is fairly critical or dismissive of her female employees and buddy-buddy or flirtatious with her male employees or colleagues.

Several logical steps come to m ind, though the most effective in the short- run may be a psychological one. But first the rational problem0solving steps, which you may have tried:

1) Are the other women as frustrated by the situation as you? Would any be willing to participate in a team meeting focusing on improving team communication and morale (as opposed to a meeting to help this supervisor get a clue)?

2) If Ms. Jekyl/Hyde resists the above, is it safe to talk with someone in upper management, Human Resources or, sometimes very effective, schedule a meeting with an Emplyee Assistance Program (EAP) counselor. Now why you may feel she's the one that needs to go (and you'd be right), this authority figure has become a "stress carrier" -- she may not get ulcers...but she certainly can give them. Sometimes when having some clout in the system, EAP counselors can get things accomplished behind the scenes. They often have management's ear.

3) On the psychological front, does this two-faced woman remind you of any person in your distant or recent past -- parent, sibling, ex-spouse, former boss, etc. It's very easy for the dynamics in an office setting to take on the feel of a family, especially when we've lived through a dysfunctional one. If this analuysis has any merit, then I definitely would seek out some counseling to help you sort out past and present conflicts, aloow you to get some distance from this woman's immaturity and limited supervisory skills and not take her problem so persoanlly.

4) If all else fails, take up kick boxing and work out your frustration on a punchoing/kicking bag. Seriously, vigorous physical exercise will definitely help your mood, calm your mind, allowing for some distance and perspective, and reduce some of your frustration.

5) Finally, if none of this works, hit the road. She's definitely not worth burning up or out over.

To hard work, good adventures and, of course...Practice Safe Stress!

Thank you for all the reference information. I appreciated your answer to my question re: my female boss and her fawning over men/criticizing women employees. However as a new employee on probation, I don't feel I can instigate any departmental discussion on the problem. The other women are aware of the problem and have done nothing about it but gripe amongst themselves. If they, who have been there years, don't feel they can do anything about it without repercussion, maybe I should just wait and see. There may be subtler ways of introducing the subject. It's interesting to see how childhood self-images carry over to adulthood. I find it so obvious that she felt she was unattractive in high school and that now she's in a position of some power, she suddenly feels able to flirt like a 15-yr-old...and perhaps she needs to do that. The only gripe I have is that she is unfair in her dealings with women...perhaps I can find an indirect way of introducing the subject so she doesn't know I'm trying to get through to her, i.e. telling a story to one of the other women there about "a friend" who can't relate to women and only focuses on men while she is in earshot, hopefully finding a humorous story that brings home the point! You asked how I found out about you...I was surfing for information on anger (to deal with my younger sister) in NetFind and came across your site. Thanks again for your help!

Mark Gorkin, LICSW, the Stress Doc, a psychotherapist and nationally recognized speaker, trainer, consultant and author, is also known as AOL's and the internet's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Check out his USA Today Online "Hot Site" website - www.stressdoc.com  and his page on AOL/Online Psych, Keyword: Stress Doc or <A HREF="aol://4344:972.doc.1264535.556723207">The Stress Doc @ Online Psych </A>.

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