Ask the Stress Doc -- Q & A

Q. There is a person I work with who is the most arrogant person on earth. How can I stop personalizing my interactions with this person?

A. Part I

When it comes to dealing with arrogance, I have a few tactics:

1) Do an internal emotional audit first. Are you overreacting in any way to this person? Did you grow up with anyone (or live with an ex-mate, hopefully) like this antagonist? Are you too self-depracating, unassertive or "too good"? Sometimes these types confuse healthy aggression and ego with arrogance.

2) Now let's assume that this person's arrogance borders on hostility and his ego hovers around hubris. Try these "tongue fooey" strategies. First, call the person on the noxious behavior. let them clearly and firmly know you don't appreciate being around this kind of negative energy. (I was going to say "hot air" pollution, but I'll restrain myself.) It's toxic.

Of course, irony can be effective. While leading a workshop, when righteously and repeatedly chastised for being "hypocritical" (around a fairly benign and, actually, affirming communication) I explained my decision by paraphrasing the American philospher, Ralph Waldo Emerson: "(Rigid) consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds." Others laughed and this attacker was disarmed.

3) It's important to realize that the person who knows it all and is quick to point out everyone else's errors is actually feeling pretty insecure. And the person's answer for everything is probably inversely proportional to his or her self-worth. Still, there's a limit to one's patience and understanding. And when that happens...consider these two approaches. First, there's the memorable quote from the French author, Andre Gide, in his book The Immoralist. (A quote that I memorized years ago when dealing with an all- knowing family member.): "One must allow other's to be right. It consoles them for not being anything else." Now I'm not saying to hit your omnicient antagonist with these words. Just hold on to Gide for your self-assurance and sanity.

And second, with practice, you can even come to your own verbal defense. I recall an exchange with my five year younger brother, a research psychologist; not a therapist. One day I was telling Larry about some difficult work I had done with a family, some family interventions that I thought were both creative and effective. Upon hearing my description, my brother pipes in, "You should have said such and such to the father." I was struck by the witty but pretty insensitive suggestion, and grimaced. Seeing my expression my brother quickly pounced, "What's the matter, you afraid the father would punch you out." At this point I counterpunched. "No, I have a higher standard of plagiarism!"

Just remember...Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, LICSW, the Stress Doc, a psychotherapist and nationally recognized speaker, trainer, consultant and author, is also known as AOL's and the internet's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Check out his USA Today Online "Hot Site" website - www.stressdoc.com  and his page on AOL/Online Psych, Keyword: Stress Doc or <A HREF="aol://4344:972.doc.1264535.556723207">The Stress Doc @ Online Psych </A>.

** Join the Doc's "Shrink Rap and Group Chat" on AOL/Digital City, Tuesdays, 9-10:30pm EDT (AOL Members Only) -- <A HREF="aol://4344:1097.tuechat.25384394.563747919">Tuesday Chats</A> and <A HREF="aol://4344:363.gorkin.5732839.568857121">Dig City Promo - Stress Doc</A> .

** And catch the new Q & A on AOL.COM: Washington, DC -- Ask the Stress Doc and - Ask the Stress Doc AOL.COM: Washington, DC - Home (Look under "PEOPLE")

The AOL.COM links can be shared with and are operational for both users of AOL and the Internet. And these screens are visible on 5 portals: 1. AOL.COM (which you see above) 2. Compuserve 3. Digital City 4. MCI 5. Netscape Netcenter