Ask the Stress Doc -- Q & A

1) Handling difficult people without snapping

Q. I work in a stressful position at a local NY high school calling in subs for absent teachers (my morning job) from 6-7:30am. After I cover all the classes I then help the purchasing agent in the school. The 6-7:30 part of the job can be the most stressful when lots of people call in sick. I actually have become very good at obtaining subs for the absentees. My problem is that I have several teachers/colleagues that seem to always want me to do things their way. They always give me their two cents and quite frankly I am sick of it. I feel that if my bosses are happy with what I do then they're the only one's I need to listen to. This past week I snapped at several people for telling me how to do my job. I really do hate it when I snap at people. I feel that I am not handling them professionally. Have any suggestions on how to handle these difficult people???

A. Of course it's no fun to be told what to do by those who don't have the authority to do so. Still, both your bosses and the teaches/colleagues are your customers and need to be handled professionally. There are always some who will try to manipulate and take advantage. The key learning not to take their noxious or immature behavior personally. (I hope you aren't one of those people who have to be liked by everyone; who are "so nice" and "so fair," that they get bent out of shape upon discovering that people and the world, in general, are neither.

I f the person isn't being hostile, maybe a just a bit pushy, then I might say, "Thanks for your input. I will consider it, if possible. However, here are the policies and procedures which direct my choices." In reality, you are administratively limiting these teachers/colleagues preferences. Often when a person feels restricted, there is a tendency to react in some way, especially against the rules. (Have folks previously seen you as easygoing?) They will do something symbolic, maybe passive-aggressive or be obnoxious, to register their dislike. It's often an attempt to save face or to retain some sense of control.

Now if the person is truly attacking, then I would acknowledge the person's upset or anger. However, if the hostility continues I would comment firmly, "I don't appreciate being attacked" or "I can't listen when being attacked." Or, "Can we keep this on a professional level?" (Of course, you can try visualizing the person in diapers throwing temper tantrums.)

If necessary, have your boss call a meeting with yourself and the involved staff to reaffirm the policy. By listening to people's gripes (a little wine is acceptable) perhaps a win/win solution will emerge. If not, by having a chance to vent formally your antagonists will likely be a bit more cooperative and less combative. So stop taking personal imperfect human nature. Set limits on hostility, explain your position and accept the fact that some people will just be difficult. Just let them know professionally you won't play their dysfunctional game.

Mark Gorkin, LICSW, the Stress Doc, a psychotherapist and nationally recognized speaker, trainer, consultant and author, is also known as AOL's and the internet's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Check out his USA Today Online "Hot Site" website - www.stressdoc.com  and his page on AOL/Online Psych, Keyword: Stress Doc

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