The Stress Doc's Q & A
Love & Relationships

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1) What to Do When the Guy You Love Is a Yo-Yo?

Q. I've been dating a guy for a year and a half. He says he loves me and has even thought of marriage. Then he tells me he doesn't want to see me and doesn't want a commitment and doesn't have romantic feelings. Then we go back and he introduces me to family and breaks up again. I haven't returned his calls this time. Is he crazy or what? Hurt and confused.

A. If not crazy he may be commitment-phobic (and will, if you let him, drive you bonkers). The other side of this emotional equation: are you codependent? Let's start with your guy. Sounds like he doesn't have a solid enough or good enough sense of himself. For example, does he feel good about work or his career prospects? (Of course, he could also be a Peter Pan type that doesn't want to grow up...but he seems a bit too neurotic for just that.) This lack of being centered can encourage these volatile shifts -- from declarations of love to fearful withdrawal. Also, the presence of such instability invariably sets off my mood-disorder radar system. Might he have some underlying depression? Any family history of the same? (Speaking of family, is he still trying to please them by marrying you?)

Anyway, if he is depressed and is not getting proper therapy, he will continue this up and down, back and forth cycle. You are wise not to return his calls. However, if you do feel unfinished psychologically, perhaps write him a letter. Express your hurt and anger at being dragged along this emotional roller coaster ride. And strongly suggest he get some counseling; not for you, for him. If he has gotten help then, after a few months, and if you are so inclined, you might write (or email) again.

The question for you: why did it take so long to get fed up with this emotionally exhausting and hurtful behavior pattern. How do you perceive yourself? Sometimes when we don't feel very worthy or when we carry around feelings of shame (or our own underlying depression or anxiety disorder) we wind up staying in a dysfunctional relationship. If this applies, consider counseling as well or, perhaps, a 12-step group like Codependents Anonymous (CODA). You or your friend don't have to be dealing with a substance abuse issue to attend. And remember...Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, LICSW, the Stress Doc, a psychotherapist and nationally recognized speaker, trainer, consultant and author, is also known as AOL's and the internet's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Check out his USA Today Online "Hot Site" website - www.stressdoc.com  and his page on AOL/Online Psych, Keyword: Stress Doc

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