Ask the Stress Doc -- Q & A

1) Coping with Nasty Personalities in the Office
2) Husband's Withdrawal: Exhaustion, Perfectionism or Alcoholism?

Q. I work in a Leasing office with 3 other women. I really believe I'm a people person, but since the day I began this job, my tolerance for people (especially women) has dropped to an all time low. Coworkers and customers both play manipulation games in many ways to where most aspects of the job feel negative. Jealousy, Fear of failure, Control Issues, Lying, Threats become real day-to-day issues for me. How do I maintain composure with people when I feel so angry all the time? Bear in mind that I too am a female and don't behave this way with others...

A. You might be surprised to know how common is this disturbed work environment. I often find the most serious manifestation of this dysfunction when: a) management tries to avoid or doesn't know how to confront constructively interpersonal conflict or individual stress carriers, and b) when conflicts have been allowed to fester and relationship patterns have been overtly or passive-aggressively disruptive for a considerable period of time. I recently finished consulting with a department where several of the parties had basically not talked to each other for three years.

In the short run, you can let people know you don't want to participate in these dysfunctional games: "I'm uncomfortable," "This doesn't work for me," "I won't accept being talked to this way," etc. (Email stressdoc@aol.com for a just published article on "Disarming Aggression and Power Struggles.") In the long run, since management doesn't seem to be involved, there's no way to truly prevent being contaminated and irritated by this secondhand dysfunction. Forget composure...start composing. Time to get your resume out the door, with you hot on it's trail. Remember...Practice Safe Stress!

Q. I am 27 and have been married almost 2 years. My husband is a workaholic and a perfectionist. He is currently suffering from exhaustion because he works 6 to 7 days a week, sometimes 14 hour days. Last night he called after he said he would already be home saying he'd had a bad day. He was with a guy he works with whom he's become friends. Why wouldn't he want to come home to me after his bad day? I had even told him over the phone that I was making his favorite dinner. But, my husband stayed out with his "buddy" until about midnight drinking beer and talking, (just the two of them). I am feeling very uneasy about our marriage now because he's shutting me out and I am not my husband's "Best Friend" like he claims I am. What should I do about it? Please Help...Birdie

A. I'm going to go out on a limb and speculate that your husband amy have a drinking problem. I'm not basing this just on his midnight drinking, though that is a red flag. But also his workaholic and perfectionist tendencies; often associated with addictive personalities. One doesn't have to be a full blown alcoholic to be a problem drinker. His withdrawal from you is Laos worrisome. I understand how upsetting it is to be shut out. But you aren't alone. He's also likely blocking out a whole range of his own feelings and deeper-seated, family of origin issues, along with current stressors. Whether it's dysfunctional workaholism or drinking, the purpose is to numb oneself and to escape. But before giving up, try these steps: 1) See if your husband will acknowledge a change in his behavior, or if he'll share if something's upsetting him, 2) Are any friends or family members also concerned about his drinking and working patterns or behavior change?, and 3) I'm glad you are in individual counseling; (is your therapist skilled in dealing with substance abuse issues?); consider attending an AL-ANON group (for the non-drinking partner) if your husband won't go with you to an Alcoholics Anonymous Meeting.

Mark Gorkin, LICSW, the Stress Doc, a psychotherapist and nationally recognized speaker, trainer, consultant and author, is also known as AOL's and the internet's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Check out his USA Today Online "Hot Site" website - www.stressdoc.com  and his page on AOL/Online Psych, Keyword: Stress Doc

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