Ask the Stress Doc -- Q & A

1) Loss, Shame, Grief and Redemption
2) Confronting Past Ghosts and Present Retaliation with a Department Head

Q. Doc, I was a preacher married to a preacher for 30 years until Nov. 98. I separated from my wife then. Lost my wife, my ministry, my job, my career, lost my house, my car, my income, my children are grown but almost disown me cause I've embarrassed them. I had an affair after many years of faithful marriage. I love my new lover. We are happy living together, but today the divorce was filed. I had been through the same kind of thing with several friends in the past few months, before leaving and had been their minister. Now I have a salesman job making 1/3 income as before. My diabetes is out of control (nothing new). I am working on the control bit... diet and exercise - yuck!!! The stress level before I separated was through the roof constantly, and although today I'm feeling stressed, it is nothing like the stress I felt before leaving. I now live with my lover, who is also going through a divorce. Her kids are still in HS. I have friends who don't talk to me, kids who never call me.

A. Sounds like you'd be off the Holmes-Rahe Life Change Stress Scale. When a number of losses or traumatic blows hit all at once the stress and mind-body symptoms can have a multiplier effect, e.g., your diabetes. While I'm sure you're grateful for your loving relationship, this haven can't erase the recent "sturm und drang." The loss of a spiritual leadership position (due to the affair?) the loss of the children's esteem, feelings of shame, etc. (Also, during periods of trauma and rejection old feelings of failure and shame often get reawakened, especially with a trigger date, like a divorce filing.) You have much grief work ahead. Don't try to lose yourself and your troubled past on your new love/life. You might try a 12-step program, like Codependents Anonymous (CODA) or Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA). You don't have to have a drinking problem. These programs are experienced in helping individuals acknowledge past frailties and dysfunctions. They help people overcome the shame. They provide guidelines for making amends to those loved one that have been hurt. And if you grieve with sufficient support, embrace your strengths, vulnerabilities and shames honestly, know you've paid an emotional price for any transgressions, then even if loved ones shun you, you know you've done your part in the healing. You have a chance of finding your own forgiveness and inner peace.

Q. I have worked at my job for twenty years. I have known the department head since before I started working there. This person was involved with my sister. He left her when he found out she was pregnant. This person to this day has never seen his son. We had some hard words after that. Since he became head of this department I have applied for jobs only to be pushed aside for someone with no experience! I have requested to take some classes to better myself. They have never sent me. They send people that have only been here a few years. I am always passed up. What should I do!

A. I think it's time for you to have a man-to-man talk with the department head. Acknowledge that there will likely be some sour feelings between the two of you based on past history. However, let him know that you are prepared to relate to him in a professional manner. And that you want this professionalism to be two way. In a non-hostile fashion, express your perceptions that you've been bypassed for job promotions for less experienced employees. Also, share your sense of being shut out of training classes. Then ask this DH how he sees the scenario you've presented. (You might want to confer with some colleagues re: their sense of your perception of unfairness. Of course, don't go into your past personal history with these colleagues.)

If he responds to your mature overture in a professional manner, great. If not, then I might speak to his manager, someone at Human Resources or even connect with an Employee Assistance Program Counselor (if one is available) for strategic guidance. I would consider getting legal advice. (And you might let him know, if he's being dismissive or defensive that you intend to pursue the issue at higher levels.) As Kris Kristoferson wrote, "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose." For if none of the above changes or is responsive, you'll need to work in new pastures. Good luck and...Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, LICSW, the Stress Doc, a psychotherapist and nationally recognized speaker, trainer, consultant and author, is also known as AOL's and the internet's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Check out his USA Today Online "Hot Site" website - www.stressdoc.com  and his page on AOL/Online Psych, Keyword: Stress Doc

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