Ask the Stress Doc -- Q & A
Love & Relationships

1) Should Miss Perfect Cheat a Little?

Q. I am over 50 and female. I have never done anything wrong in my life. The Miss Perfect. BUT...now I want to: AFFAIR with a MARRIED MAN I am divorced, and I am financially secure. I am NOT looking for remarriage. <for sure!> The man is willing and able. Problem: I saw a picture of his wife on his desk. I looked at this picture of a woman with the saddest eyes. It was as if her soul entered mine. No, we have not been intimate as yet except for some brief kisses. Since I am so busy with my own work, just seeing him a little is all I need. BUT my conscience is bothering me terribly. AM I NUTS< OR WHAT?

A. No, I don't think you're nuts. Actually, I admire your capacity to experience conflict, especially your ability to empathize with his wife. (I wonder how many of us men entertain such thoughts?) Does this situation also conjure up memories of your divorce? I suspect if you continue with this affair your conscience and values eventually will win out. So do you put the brakes on sooner or later?

You sound like you've evolved as a mature, independent individual. However, something is gnawing at you besides the aloneness in your busy, fairly self-sufficient life. Perhaps some anger or regret from playing the Miss Perfect role too long is surfacing. This can be especially painful when we became the compulsively (and fearfully) good girl at an early age.

Perhaps you're ready to be a little outlandish: as an alternative, how about trying a fling with a younger guy, for example? A strong attractive fifty year old woman who lets her interest and libido be known will be able to attract a playmate, if not a partner. (And for some, dating guys of another race or religion is breaking those old rules in our head.)

As for just seeing your married paramour a little...I suspect that's like being "a little pregnant." It's often hard having casually intimate or intimately casual sex. And are you sure he'll be content with "a little"? You may have to play out the existing soap opera before you're ready to script another. Just remember, especially in this arena...Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, LICSW, the Stress Doc, a psychotherapist and nationally recognized speaker, trainer, consultant and author, is also known as AOL's and the internet's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Check out his USA Today Online "Hot Site" website - www.stressdoc.com  and his page on AOL/Online Psych, Keyword: Stress Doc

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