The Stress Doc Letter
Cybernotes from the Online Psychohumorist ™
SEP 2004, Sec. I
Fight when you can
Take flight when you must
Flow like a dream
In the
Phoenix
we trust!
Table of Contents
Shrink Rap:
Why Is It Hard to "Just Say 'No'"? -- Part I
Readers: Survivng the Florida Hurricane Battlefront, Gender Nouns
Section II
Main Essay: Thermostatic Leadership (Attached) & SPEED Rap (Revised)
Heads Up: Washington Navy Yard, Estrin Paralegal and Dept. of Justice
Offerings: Training Kit, Books, CD and AOL Chat
Shrink Rap:
Part I of this series identifies ten barriers and challenges to saying "No" --
from "societal norms" and "family values" to "fear of retribution" and "boundary
issues." Part II will provide a "how to" guide for engaging in "N & N": tools
and techniques for saying "No," setting limits and solving problems.
Why Is It Hard to "Just
Say 'No'"? -- Part I
Ten Barriers to Asserting Your Individuality and Integrity
There's a Practice Safe Stress term that has caught on with live
audiences. This conclusion is based on the frequency with which participants
repeat the term during my speaking or workshop programs. The term is introduced
after recognizing the importance of "R & R" -- "Rest and Recreation" -- for
managing stress. The alliterative concept is "N & N": the ability to say "No"
and to "Negotiate." And then "N & N" is followed by my home grown "aphormation"
(a neologistic mix of aphorism and affirmation): A firm "No" a day keeps the
ulcers away, and the hostilities too!
Clearly, in relation to teen drug use and underage sex the moral voice of the
mass culture has extolled the virtue of being able to "Just Say No!"
(The glib reality of this pronouncement is another issue.) And many of us do
know that when said with conviction, including the congruence between one's
words and one's nonverbal communication, a clear "No" is a vital tool for being
assertive and effective across an array of work and home battlefronts. However,
to paraphrase the old caveat, when it comes to saying and meaning "No"…even for
many adults, it's easier thought than said or done!
Part I of this two-part series examines why many folks have difficulty using
this provocative two-letter "N"-word. Part II will present techniques and tips
that, hopefully, will make "N & N" as socially and healthfully desirable as "R &
R." In other words, how can a daily dose of vital "N & N" be a natural part of
your interpersonal and operational routine? But first, let's explore "Ten
Barriers to Setting Healthy Boundaries:
1. Societal Norms. When it comes to role behavior, our culture is no
longer so locked into sexual stereotyping. Men are not exclusively aggressive
(hunters) and women are not the only nurturers (gatherers). Nevertheless, some
inhibitions if not prohibitions still exist (not to mention the fact that women
still do a disproportionate share of the housework). Glass ceiling issues
regarding equal pay and career advancement are still a reality, especially for
minority women. And an aggressive and mentally sharp businesswoman can still be
labeled a "shrew" rather than being admired for being shrewd or savvy, terms
often garnered by her male counterpart. (For some, the Martha Stewart
controversy is a glaring example.) To the degree that there are gender
differences regarding: a) early socialization in the family and/or in the
classroom, b) access to positions of institutional authority, and c)
stereotyping and/or discrimination in various shapes, sizes, ages and colors
then the playing and saying field will not be level or just. For many women,
appropriate aggression and vital assertion will seem less natural; it may feel
less safe to say "No!"
2. Family Values, Sibling Order and Attitudes. Let's sharpen our focus
by concentrating on, perhaps, the most powerful socializing force -- the
family. And while families certainly can reinforce sex-role stereotyping, let's
not overlook the fact that a variety of family factors come into play when
examining an ability to say "No" in interpersonal situations. Also, both by
temperament as well as upbringing, there are many men for whom being assertive
or setting limits is a daunting task. Here are a variety of family dynamics:
a) Birth order may be influential; firstborns often feel more pressure to be the
responsible "good child." Parents may be more relaxed and lenient with
subsequent children. For these offspring saying "No" may seem less daunting.
b) Substance abuse in families may also contribute to a sense of shame around
being aggressive, especially if an abuser was often enraged or out of control of
his emotions or his life responsibilities.
c) Rigidly righteous parental figures or other significant authorities demanding
absolute loyalty may stifle healthy individuality. Or a child shamed into
silence if not into unquestioned loyalty for fear of being exposed as
disrespectful, defiant or damaged goods will often have difficulty setting
boundaries.
d) Families who view emotionally expressive children (especially the emotion of
anger) as "mad" or "bad" or who attempt to stifle a child's separation and
individuation process through threats or guilt too often raise bottled-up
children (or offspring who eventually hit the bottle). This constrictive mode
of relating is often fueled by a sense of emptiness, shame and fear of
abandonment.
3. Fear of One's Own Aggression. Some individuals cut off their
aggressive feelings because they are afraid of or ashamed of their own potential
for explosiveness. To succumb to anger means you are being irrational; perhaps
an antagonist has gotten to you. To show anger is a sign that your opponent has
"won." A family member who psychically collapses or explodes when a child
expresses anger may be teaching a powerful lesson: not only is your anger wrong
but, in addition, you are destructive!
Please note, it takes a lot of energy to turn aggression inward and bottle it
up. Expending all this conscious and unconscious effort to hold back a natural
part of your self is not only energy depleting and exhausting. This process of
self-constriction may induce a sense of helplessness and depression.
4. Fear of Retribution or Rejection. Another factor is that others may
resent your attempt at being assertive or saying "No." Will the other person
subtly put you down, openly attack, or expose your vulnerabilities? Will this
antagonist use ridicule or reject you for not giving him or her what they want?
Will a supervisor hold a grudge or perhaps feel she is being shown up?
Or will your "No" be a sign that you are behaving out of character. You are not
your "self." The opponent may attempt to trivialize your position or demonize
your person: "What's wrong with you!" An assertion of difference or
individuality may lead to ostracism by a peer group.
5. Fear of Justification. Related to the above, some folks back away
from saying "No" because of that potentially intimidating counter: "Why not?"
Now you feel on the spot. And the rejoinder, "I just feel this way right now,"
is never acceptable. Of course there are situations when we need to back up our
"No" with a reasoned explanation. However, there are many occasions when "I'm
not sure" is an honest and acceptable response. Having the strength to be
tentative or being able to take a time out is often a desirable problem-solving
step. You are asserting your space even without an overt "No." This is a useful
and honorable step if, in fact, you do further reflection or research and then
get back to the other party in a timely manner.)
6. Fear of Being Labeled. For some in authority the first sign of a
subordinate's "No" signals trouble and, not surprisingly, the naysayer is a
"troublemaker." Or he has a "bad attitude" and is not being a "team player."
Conformist "group think" is often a byproduct of a powerful individual or
environment that has little tolerance for a "No." (Think of key players in the
Bush administration and their dismissal of dissenting voices [alas, few and far
between] who questioned the presence of Weapons of Mass Destruction or the
assumed [or was it manufactured] strong Iraq-al Quaeda link.) When a person
with a contrary idea or belief is dependent on the authority (psychologically,
financially, etc.) or such a person feels vulnerable in his or her position
then, not surprisingly, staying in the authority's good graces is a paramount
motivator. Self-censorship or doctoring the message is not unlikely.
7. The Boundary Issue. Regarding interpersonal engagements, we all have
a sense of a physical space and a psychological space that influences our own
levels of comfort or discomfort. This feeling of comfort is a function of both
actual and emotional closeness or distance. I call this psychosocial dynamic
one's sense of "personal space." (Comfort in personal space is also influenced
by cultural norms and practices, e.g., the accepted physical distance between
parties engaged in conversation.) Too much actual or perceived closeness
(smothering anxiety) or too much distance (separation anxiety) often triggers
issues related to: a) status and self esteem, b) threshold levels for losing
control, psychically or behaviorally, c) predisposition for emptiness or
depression, d) dependency issues and the fear of losing one's self in a
codependent relationship or, conversely, e) a desire to be enmeshed with the
other so as to numb or obliterate a tormented self.
Of course, being enmeshed in a group sometimes allows individuals to be defiant
and to act out their aggression because of the anonymity found in group
membership. Also, having group cover makes it easier for an individual to deny
responsibility for his or her actions.
A Personal Vignette
Let me share a personal example. From the age of ten to fourteen, two of my
"friends" living in the same six-story apartment building would frequently bully
me, mostly verbally and psychologically. One night the tormenting had reached
such a crescendo that in a panic state, despite feelings of fear and shame, I
finally cried uncontrollably to my father. My dad immediately went upstairs and
confronted the father of one of the bullies. Alas, we didn't talk further about
why I wasn't able to stand up for myself or why I wasn't able to stay away from
my tormentors. (I suppose a significant part of the answer for a lack of
self-integrity and chronic helplessness relates to my overt symptomatology
merely being part of the dysfunctional family iceberg. To the degree my father
was not ready to confront his own coping strategy for dealing with long-standing
mood swings and depression -- ongoing twice/year electroshock therapy as opposed
to seeking psychotherapy -- I too would anguish and suffer in silence.)
Alas, neither my dad's intervention nor my tortured silence would allow for
healthy distance from my antagonists. The next morning I was ringing the
doorbell of one of the bullies for our daily trek to school.
"My god, why?" you might ask. It's tragically simple: I was so frightened that
they would really be plotting against me, that they would be seeking revenge for
my having exposed their bullying. Hyper-vigilance necessitates being in close
proximity. Healthy boundaries are not possible when you have so little sense of
self. (And this feeling of helplessness and hopelessness is only exacerbated by
unrecognized childhood depression.) The torment you know is preferable to the
imagined (or unimagined) torment conceived in a near paranoid or panic state.
And, not surprisingly, as an adult it took years of therapy to resurrect to full
consciousness this traumatic period of my life. It often requires healthy
dependence with a therapist or a support group as well as personal courage to
grieve fully the years of pain, panic and silent shame of a long-standing
abusive relationship.
8. Inability to Know or Trust One's Gut. As we've seen, there are a
variety of critical conditions contributing to both the muffling of an inner
voice and an inability to risk shedding a pleasing or muted persona. Consider
this sequence of obstacles to "getting real":
a) long-standing feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness,
b) growing up in a family that shames, slams or shuns the expression of
feelings, especially anger and
c) over time, losing the ability to recognize and label your feelings. For such
a person, his inner emotional world is mostly numb. Not surprisingly this
person is often very fearful, truly having "no guts" to trust. (Conversely, in
his emotional ignorance, the battering personality labels most emotional
experience or expression that's not aggressive in nature as a sign of being a
wimp or of being unmanly. For this psychically stunted individual, "emotional"
people are whiners; pathetic whiners at that. Of course, a batterer might see
himself as a "strong silent type." Though I suspect the more accurate dynamic
is as follows: "For me to be strong you must be silent!")
9. Fear of Being Alone or Abandoned. When a fear of actual or
psychological abandonment infuses the parent-child dynamic, a child may take on
a false, "too good" persona. Alas, what often gets lost is the necessity for
setting boundaries and the need for some conflict in establishing an identity.
A child's ability to say "No" to a parent or even "I don't like you" is not
automatically or simply a sign of willful defiance or a negative or hostile
personality. Such a stance may also reflect a child who is evolving a fairly
solid, "good enough" sense of self. The child is not so symbolically tied to
the parent; he or she can risk some emotional separateness. There's some basic
trust, mostly on an unconscious level, that a "No" will not trigger physical or
psychological abandonment by the significant adult. And, of course, learning
early that you do not have to swallow a "No" for fear of parental rejection
eventually makes it easier to "Just say 'No'" to adolescent peers as well as
McDonalds' fries.
10. Fear of Standing Out. Some individuals are afraid of projecting
their individuality. They would rather blend into the crowd, conform to the
norm, or replay the "invisible child" role (a not uncommon development for a
sibling in an alcoholic or abusive family). Others are afraid to say "No" for
fear of confrontation: "So what would you do "Mr. Negative?" Suddenly, an
upfront contrary stance has you on the spot, if not in the spotlight. Now
performance anxiety pressure is building. As we've noted, whether out of
jealousy or a perception that you are defying role proscriptions, a "No" can be
seen as a selfish act or as a declaration of disloyalty. And for the target of
such a judgmental barrage, self-censorship is not the only worry. For people
who continally fear and suppress their own complex and genuine individuality,
there is as much "safety" in being numb as there is safety in numbers.
Closing Summary
This article has focused on ten psychosocial barriers to setting boundaries and
saying "No!" Of course, in response to the above barriers, there are some
aggressive personalities who spew a reflexive and rigid "No!" Not surprisingly,
some of the same underlying issues are at play: fear of losing control, feeling
put down or shamed by an authority, feeling stifled, fearing a loss of self,
perceiving closeness or emotional dependence as a sign of weakness or as an
invasion of one's overtly fortified and covertly vulnerable psychological and
physical space. However, this article has examined the imploders more than the
exploders.
Let me recap the ten basic barriers and challenges to saying "No":
1. Societal Norms
2. Family Values, Sibling Order and Attitudes
3. Fear of One's Own Aggression
4. Fear of Retribution and Rejection
5. Fear of Justification
6. Fear of Being Labeled
7. The Boundary Issue
8. The Inability to Know or Trust One's Gut
9. Fear of Being Alone or Abandoned
10. Fear of Standing Out
Clearly, these can be powerful deterrents to recognizing and experiencing your
individuality and integrity, that is, your genuine needs, wants, joys, fears,
passions and beliefs…your separate and genuine self or true spirit. Learning to
say "No" is vital for surviving and thriving in today's ever demanding,
work-life boundary busting world. And Part II will show you how to assert your
difference, your contrary position and your individual gut instinct in
positively inspiring fashion. Stay tuned for "N & N" tools and techniques that
will enable you to…Practice Safe Stress!
Readers:
{Ed. Note: Here are poignant, philosophical and, ultimately, optimistic
reflections from a reader in the aftermath, hopefully, of the recent hurricane
wars.)
Musings of a Survivor from the Florida Hurricane Battlefront
It's Sunday night and it currently looks like we have dodged the third bullet in
this game of meteorological Russian roulette that Florida has been playing the
past month. However, the weathermen keep telling us not to let our guard down
yet; things can change quickly. Indeed they can, as the folks in Punta Gorda
will remind us.
The windows on my house have sheets of plywood nailed over them, making it
constantly feel like twilight inside. I thought I heard it raining earlier this
afternoon, so went to the window to see. Old habits die hard! As I was stocking
up on groceries, plastic sheeting, and gasoline yesterday, I saw many businesses
and houses with plywood covering the windows. This gives the town an air of
desolation and desertion. Some business have spray-painted "We're open" over
their wood.
I went to our local Sam's (warehouse club) to stock up on some more canned
goods. The store was filled with people doing the same thing, their carts full
of bottled water, paper plates, and other necessities for survival. In the midst
of it all, a couple walked by with a large, lighted snowman in their cart -- a
holiday lawn decoration. I was struck first by the incongruity of their
purchase, then by the idea that hurricane season will be over by December!
At the pharmacy, I was picking up my medication refills that I had ordered to
make sure that we would not run out in the aftermath of Ivan. I saw a mother and
her little girl, looking over the lotions to find a remedy for their sunburns.
They were obviously just back from a day at the beach, leading me to question my
own priorities. Did they know that the storm would begin to turn west or were
they just choosing not to worry about it at all?
Everywhere I went, there was a real sense of "we're all in this together."
Complete strangers struck up conversations to pass along their own hurricane
preparedness tips. I told a man where the shower curtains were sold so that he
could get some to use to line his bathtub so that it would hold water. An older
woman showed me the small boxes of shelf-stable milk she had gotten and a group
compared the merits of various types of baby wipes. (Baby wipes can be used for
hand and face cleaning if the water supply is not safe.) I held a man's place in
the line at the gas pumps while he went inside and prepaid.
Apparently, we have an inexhaustible need for plywood. As the third hurricane in
a month approached, the hardware stores once again began selling out of their
plywood. You would think that most people would have already bought theirs, but
that doesn't seem to be the case. They may have thought like we did -- surely we
are not going to get lucky again, so this time we'd better get really ready! We
got ours early enough in the week to find what we needed, but newspapers were
filled with stories of people waiting 15 hours or more for their rationed supply
of wood.
There are some shortages, though. When I went to get the oil changed in my car,
I was told that they were out of V-6 engine oil filters and didn't know when
they would get more. So many people had their cars serviced as they fled
Florida, that there were no more oil filters to be found!
The phrase "Be safe" has replaced the ubiquitous "Have a nice day" as a farewell
greeting. The best part is that people really mean it! We are all stressed and
exhausted by the tension of waiting and watching, hoping that we are spared
again. But, everyone still watches out and cares for his neighbors!
Be safe. S.
Gender of Nouns
It was postulated that English should have male and female nouns. Readers were
asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason. The
best submissions were:
SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety
of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
TIRE: Male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a
fire under it... and, of course, there's the "hot air" part.
SPONGES: Female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.
SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it
is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because
it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right
through them.
SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's
still handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL: Female... Ha!... you thought it would be male. But consider
this: it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost with-out it, and while he doesn't
always know the right buttons to push, he keeps on trying. :-)
Mark
Gorkin, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™,
is a keynote and international/Celebrity Cruise Lines motivational speaker,
psychotherapist, syndicated writer, and author of his new book, Practice Safe
Stress: Healing and Laughing in the Face of Stress, Burnout & Depression
and The Four Faces of Anger: Transforming Anger, Conflict and Rage Into
Inspiring Attitude and Behavior. He was the keynote speaker for the Society
of Human Resource Management (SHRM)--Maryland
state chapters at their 2004 Leadership Conference. The Doc, AOL's "Online
Psychohumorist," is a training and OD Consultant for numerous companies,
associations and government agencies. Interviewed by the BBC and Biography
magazine, Mark has a multi-award-winning,
USA Today
Online "HotSite"
--
www.stressdoc.com . The site was selected as workplace resource in a
National Public Radio feature on "Bad Bosses." For more info, email
stressdoc@aol.com or call 202-232-8662.
(c) Mark Gorkin 2004
Shrink Rap Productions