The Stress Doc Letter
Cybernotes from the Online Psychohumorist ™
DEC 2004, Sec. II
Main Essay:
The Stress Doc presents two exercises that capture common examples of
dysfunctionally aggressive interaction: being the recipient of harsh feedback
and being caught up in a self-defeating power struggle. Common defensive
reactions to being attacked and "Four 'C'" factors that fuel butting heads (and
inflated egos) are outlined. The article illustrates strategic interventions
for: a) setting limits on a harsh aggressor and b) disarming excessively
competitive or combative interaction.
Disarming Critical and
Power-Driven Aggressors:
Case Examples, Concepts and Verbal Strategies for Tactful and Forceful
Intervention
Managing a Critical Aggressor: Case Example I
Let's try a mind exercise. You've just given a presentation at an important
meeting. As the meeting concludes you turn to a colleague (a casual
acquaintance) and ask, "How did the presentation go?" And in a decidedly
judgmental and caustic tone this colleague declares, "Frankly, you fumbled the
data. Obviously, you didn't prepare very well!"
Imagine being the presenter. How would you feel receiving such critical
feedback? And what would you say or do in return? (And let's assume that
punching this guy in the nose is not a good intervention strategy.) Actually,
this is the scenario I pose to attendees of my "Managing Anger and Difficult
People" Program. (Also subtitled, "When Going Postal Is Not an Option." And as
a former stress and violence prevention consultant for the US Postal Service I
feel entitled to my attitude.)
I'll begin this analysis by illustrating three common emotional and behavioral
reactions to this "critical aggressor" exercise:
1. Feeling Rejected or Exposed. If this instance applies, you likely
feel hurt and put down by the antagonist's harsh words. Or you are surprised by
the stinging critique; you believed your presentation had been at least
satisfactory. Now you may feel exposed. Feelings of guilt ("I could have tried
harder or done better") or shame ("this criticism confirms my inadequacy or
worthlessness") may dominate. Now the only means available to counter the
criticism is with hastily conceived self-justifying explanations or face-saving
rationalizations.
2. Feeling Attacked and Becoming Aggressive. In this scenario you
quickly feel defensive and reactive. You might think, "How dare this jerk be so
hostile?" Or you might say, "How the hell do you know how I prepared? And what
makes you such a hot shot expert (you bozo)!" And while immediately
counterattacking and feeling entitled ("an eye for an eye, an ego for an ego")
your reactivity may well indicate wounded pride.
3. Feeling Fearful or Humiliated and Withdrawing. Whether lowering your
eyes in defeat or turning pale in a state of shock, you now feel intimidated and
helpless. Incredulous at the brazen verbal harassment, some sensitive
individuals or folks with underdeveloped assertive muscles become immobilized.
A target's suppressed rage may also add to a sense of impotence. Now you likely
sit passively or withdraw ignominiously from the battlefield. (Of course, a
tactical withdrawal may be a productive and purposeful step. But more on this
shortly.)
Positive Limit-Setting Strategic Interventions
Having delineated three defensive reactions, it's time to describe a
constructive and strategic approach to setting limits on a harsh aggressor.
Consider these basic assumptions, attitudes and actions:
1. Understand the Difference Between Reaction and Response. The
aforementioned feelings, thoughts and behaviors are defensive reactions. (And
"defensive" in this sense does not mean healthfully self-protective.) A target
quickly feels attacked and psychically wounded; he or she is being verbally
mistreated or abused by the aggressor. And whether lashing out in anger or
feeling humiliated and quickly retreating, the "victim" is in reactive mode:
"You've hurt me" or "You made me upset" or "It's your fault" or "You caused me
to strike back."
However, there's a strategic alternative: you can experience and process your
emotions and thoughts thereby forestalling knee-"jerk" behavior. You can
acknowledge feelings of pain, shame and anger, and then get centered. You can
begin to place this person's behavior in context: is the critic's assessment
objective (even if his manner of delivery is woefully subjective) or does he
have an agenda? Or, might she be jealous?
By processing your thoughts and feelings and by assessing or, at least,
questioning the aggressor's behavior patterns and situational constraints you
are now ready to transform a "reaction" into an assertive and effective
"response."
2. Metacommunicate. Here's my conflict management axiom in dealing with
a critical aggressor: before justifying or explaining your behavior comment
upon or confront - whether tactfully or directly - the aggressor's harassing
tone and/or content. Using our mind exercise as an example, you might say:
"I'm open to feedback, but not to being bombarded (even if I did bomb)." Or,
"Such global and unspecific comments are not useful and, frankly, I find them
hostile. Can you be more specific and be professional?"
Along with staying centered and non-reactive, you are setting appropriate
boundaries. You've returned the harsh critic's verbal hand grenade, as opposed
to freezing up or to hurling it back in an enraged or vengeful state.
3. Use Assertive "I" Messages. Underlying this tactfully assertive
approach to defusing hostility is the recognition that assertive "I" messages,
unlike blaming "You" messages, don't add static to communication channels. "You
made me" or "It's your fault" transfers all the power to the aggressor. In
reality, one-sided blaming often rationalizes an immature reaction or
counterattack. In contrast, a constructive "I" message acknowledges your
experience as a target: "That hurts" or "I'm angry right now." Such a message
also states what you don't like or what you do prefer: "I don't appreciate
being attacked and when attacked I don't listen well. I can hear and consider
feedback that's specific and that's not reeking of tone." (Maybe we can call
this aggressive additive "testoster-tone.") "I" messages help reaffirm your
integrity while establishing healthy boundaries. So abstain from those reactive
"You"s or risk becoming a "blameaholic."
4. Take a Time Out. Finally, if the aggressor's initial barrage leaves
you stunned or speechless, you don't have to stay in the ring desperately trying
to summon up a counterpunch. Basically you can state, "I won't be a party to
this kind of verbal barrage" (or "harassment" if the encounter is more hostile
than heated). Or, if feeling centered, you can declare: "I need a time out
before responding." You also can say, "I believe we need a time out for us to
have a professional discussion."
Remember, it's okay if you don't have a perfect comeback to an aggressor's
spewing. Take time to think about and sleep on the problem and a response…Then
you'll nail the jerk tomorrow! Just kidding. ;-) Seriously, taking a time out
is not a sign of weakness. Basically it is a strategic retreat to help you
clean a wound, get centered and to formulate an "I" response. Hitting the pause
button affirms your integrity while setting limits and boundaries on a charged
exchange.
Disarming Power Struggles: Case Example II
Now for the second exercise. As a supervisor, imagine you are caught in a power
struggle with a problematic individual, let's say an employee. For this mind
game the specific issue need not be detailed. Let's say the general content
involves issues of control, status or who has (or doesn't have) the right or
power to make a decision. The exercise battle begins with the employee
declaring, "You can't make!" and the supervisor countering, "Oh yes I can!" My
workshop instructions specifically caution antagonists about getting out of
their chairs. But the players can be as aggressive or as whiny as they wish.
After a couple of verbal volleys, the participants are encouraged to say what
they would really like to say to their opposite number.
Not surprisingly, at some point during this exchange, for many folks there is an
eruption of laughter. Perhaps it's the somewhat artificial and absurd nature of
the interaction. (Also, some people cover up intense emotions, such as raw
aggression, through nervous laughter.) However, for me, the number of people
who get hooked by the battle, who "want to win" seems significant. Why are
people so quick to get caught up in a power struggle? I've come up with "The
Four "C"s of Power Struggles:
1. Control. Who will be in control? Who is stronger? Whose voice
carries more weight? I believe this is connected to authority issues and,
ultimately, to the parent-child dynamic.
2. Competition. This also has family roots - sibling rivalry issues.
Who is better? Who is the favorite?
3. Cultural Competence. Surely the variety of socio-cultural experience
and demographic dynamics shape how we give meaning to events and encounters,
including meaning to the motivations, beliefs and behaviors of self and of
others. Both maturity and cultural competence may be required for difference
and disagreement to not reflexively be viewed as (or with) disapproval and
disloyalty.
4. Communication Skills. Finally, effectively negotiating the
aforementioned "C"s - Control, Competition and Cultural Diversity - especially
in the context of an actual or potential emotionally charged power struggle
requires a communicator who can be both assertive and empathic; a communicator
who can both affirm limits and respect boundaries.
Key Communication Principles
Now let me provide four communication tips and tools that may circumvent and
transform the contentious "C"s. These principles help prevent a conflict or
misunderstanding from turning into a full-fledged struggle or an ongoing battle:
1. Drop the Rope. How do you not take the bait when someone is
provocatively fishing for an argument or power struggle? The challenge: when
someone offers you a rope and then "yanks your chain," resist the survival
instinct to pull back. You don't have to prove you can give (or be) as big a
jerk. In fact, you can just "drop the rope." This is not a sign of weakness.
Your message is, "I don't want to play this self-defeating or dysfunctional
game. Can we come up with a more productive way to address the grievance or
solve the problem?"
2. Use the "Four 'P' Process of Empathic Engagement." One or both
parties in a power struggle are usually angry or anxious about something. Your
antagonist may be upset about your actions (as a supervisor) or about a common
problematic situation. For example, in an employee's mind, are you playing
favorites in the department? In order to quickly connect to a belligerent or
injured party (after setting limits on any harassing behavior, of course)
attempt to engage the other person around his "Pain" and "Passion" and/or her
"Purpose" and sense of "Power" (or feelings of powerlessness or helplessness).
The "Four 'P'"s are definitely a pathway to empathy, dialogue and possibly more
peaceful and productive coexistence.
3. Reduce the Status or Power Differential. As a manager (or parent of
a teenager) unless absolutely necessary, don't lead with your authority trump
card. As much as possible, try to level the playing field; strive for
adult-to-adult communication. (Somehow this issue of use of status and power
reminds me of a politically incorrect, somewhat tongue-in-cheek observation by a
bank vice-president regarding his biggest sources of stress: "I can't beat my
employees and I can't fire my children.")
Actually, if used consistently this step will likely free the other person to be
more forthright in their communication. And if you are fortunate, your
antagonist will even provide critical feedback. Why do I say fortunate? In the
long run, I believe nothing builds trust more than when a person expresses clean
and clear anger and finds that the recipient doesn't fall apart, run away,
threaten abandonment, and doesn't viciously blast back or seek revenge. You may
not agree with the other person's argument but you have demonstrated
acknowledgement and respect.
4. Avoid Black or White Thinking. An argument that must result in one
person being "right" the other party "wrong" clearly tightens the tension in the
tug of words if not of war. Dividing antagonists into "winners" and "whiners"
(or "losers") doesn't foster lasting conciliation or working partnerships.
Oftentimes, a sign of real strength is the capacity for some comfort with
uncertainty or even being tentative in the heat of battle: "I'm not sure about
that" or "Right now, I don't agree. Still, you make a good point. Let me think
more about this." (We've already discussed the strategic value of taking a time
out.")
Again, allowing for uncertainty or delayed decision-making creates subjective
space for opinions and strategic options. You are inviting the other to be a
genuine problem-solving participant. Setting aside "black or white" thinking
encourages power sharing over power struggle. Both managers and employees can
generate an array of leading and colorful ideas.
Disarming Words of Wisdom
With the "Four 'C's" (of power struggles) and the above communication principles
in mind, as a manager what might you say to a provocative employee who declares
(or in so many words avers), "You can't make me"? Consider this response: "I
don't know if I can make you or I can't make you. That's not where I'm coming
from. [Resisting the provocative bait. Not quickly playing the authority trump
card; you are tentative without giving up your power potential.] If we have a
problem -- if I'm bugging you or our situation is problematic -- I'd like to
hear about it. [Inviting criticism often elicits real feedback and can help
build trust.] I need your contribution to meet our goals. I believe I'm in a
position to help you reach your goals. For us to succeed we have to be pulling
together not pulling apart. [Affirming the process -- from dropping the rope to
forging a partnership in power and performing.]
Closing Summary
Two mind game exercises have been delineated. The first exercise, interaction
with a critical aggressor, highlighted defensive reactions to a verbal barrage:
1) feeling rejected, surprised or exposed
2) feeling attacked and becoming aggressive
3) feeling fearful or humiliated and withdrawing.
Positive strategic interventions were also outlined:
1) differentiating reaction and response
2) metacommunication
3) using assertive "I" messages
4) taking a time out.
The disarming power struggle exercise noted the "Four 'C's that spur on
self-defeating or ego-driven battles -- Control, Competition, Cultural
Competence and Communication Skills.
Next, four communicational tips and tools for disarming dysfunctional power
games were detailed:
1) "drop the rope"
2) use the "Four 'P's" for engagement
3) reduce the status or power differential
4) avoid "black or white" thinking.
And finally, in the face of employee provocation a verbatim power sharing to
power struggle response is provided. Surely these are all concepts, principles
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Mark Gorkin, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a psychotherapist, an
international/Celebrity Cruise Lines speaker, training/OD consultant and author
of Practice Safe Stress: Healing and Laughing in the Face of Stress, Burnout &
Depression and The Four Faces of Anger: Transforming Anger, Rage, and Conflict
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call 202-232-8662.
c) Mark Gorkin 2004
Shrink Rap Productions