The Stress Doc Letter
Cybernotes from the Online Psychohumorist ™
SEP 2006, No. I, Sec. II
Main Essay:
After a "going around in circles" canoeing misadventure, the Stress Doc intuits
the potential for analogous ineffective if not dysfunctional dynamics amongst a
wide variety of communication/problem-solving contexts and role relationships.
By examining how differential history, expectations, and language and reference
barriers may contribute to "message sent = message received" static, key
partnering strategies emerge – shifting paradigms, mirroring pace and echoing
place and communicating before and after.
Confessions of a "Type A" Canoeist (or "Partnering for Dummies")
Who knew that a new worldview could come from two-hours in a canoe? Well,
perhaps not a worldview but certainly a paradigmatic shift regarding the meaning
of partnership. The psychological and interpersonal challenge: understanding
and being in sync with a partner's perspectives and propensities, i.e., her
modus operandi. And most important, grudgingly admitting my need to change
beliefs and behaviors that seem so reasonable and natural. (Not so easy for a
somewhat driven, hard-paddling New Yorker. Cue the "My Fair Lady" CD: Can't
you just visualize Henry Higgins singing, "Why Can't a Woman Canoe Like a
Man?") "Old Man River" definitely had a humbling (and hopefully maturing)
lesson for this post-middle age male. Let's begin the journey.
This summer, my girl friend and I went canoeing on the Cuyahoga River in Hiram,
Ohio. The sky was somewhat overcast, the temperature moderate, as was the river
flow. (Two miles per hour according to the brochure from the rental place.)
The conditions were seemingly perfect for a moderate beginner (me) and for my
cohort, a moderate intermediate canoeist. (Actually, A. has had more experience
whitewater rafting. And I have some recent experience with one-man kayaking.
Both pose other issues; but more about this later.)
We had covered two-thirds of the seven-mile trip before seeing even a splash of
white water. Eventually, though, we did encounter some turbulence, nervously
navigating a small cascade-like drop, after being trapped on a protruding small
boulder. And we did get stuck on an underground log in shallow water. But
overall, the trip was fairly uneventful navigationally, at least concerning
physical health and especially as compared to our spring canoeing episode. In
that adventure, fairly early on, we were caught in some eddies and were
uncontrollably speeding toward the riverbank. Sheer luck or some intuitive
sense had me duck before a large overhanging tree branch was about to decapitate
my head. At the time, I believed my girlfriend's wandering attention had
contributed to the slice and dicey moment. (Somehow I managed to contain my
angst and we made it back in one piece.)
But eventually there was a sense of déjà vu as we would regularly bang into the
riverbank, even when the passage was not particularly narrow. From a back seat
or stern perspective (the steering position), my diagnosis was that the scenery
got her attention far more than our misguided direction. And when getting too
close to land, while I was either paddling more vigorously (thinking that there
was a common challenge: to prove we could avoid overhanging branches without
having to slow down and reverse direction) or was back-paddling furiously, she
was either continuing with her normal stroke, keeping her paddle still in the
water in hopes of slowing us down or simply taking the paddle out of the water.
(The motive here still escapes me. Upon reading this last passage, Miss A.
requests equal time: she was making it easier for me to fulfill my steering
duties. GRRR!)
Of course my ego took a blow mid-stream when A. explained our plight to her
friends, a longstanding couple who had easily outdistanced us but who seemingly
had slowed so we could catch up. A.'s assessment: "We were just out of
rhythm." (Biting my lip, I resisted the comeback: "We have much better rhythm
on stationary objects!" Talk about keeping up with the Johnsons. Ah, "Vanity
(or is it profanity?) thy name is Gorkin.")
Well we again made it back to the dock and back home still on speaking terms,
but I had a restless night's sleep. I realized we had to talk out this
experience. And after a back and forth
"d & c" couch
session (some heated "discussion and cuddling"; I like mixing pain and pleasure
;-), which was more in sync than our paddling, I also knew that there was an
article to share. Our canoeing misadventure was potentially a great metaphor
for how couples or any kind of partnership (or team) can bog down into
antagonistic actions, that is, behaviors that are not only annoying but that
also literally contradict or cancel out each other's individual efforts. And if
this disruption and disconnection becomes a pattern, not only does frustration
build but so too the foundation for a dysfunctional relationship: expectations
and goals are not articulated and underlying assumptions or agendas (in computer
virus-like fashion) remain hidden while destructive anger gets acted out overtly
or passively. Perhaps most critical, outside of awareness, vital trust is being
compromised if not broken. One or both parties begin to withdraw, no longer
meaningfully checking in with their partner or teammate. Surely tensions if not
resentments will smolder. And too predictably, over another often-unrelated
issue or seemingly trivial trigger comes an eruption of disproportionate sound
and fury.
Let's begin this analysis with "Three Obstacles to Effective Canoeing and
Productive and Supportive Partnering":
1. History. Clearly, each person in a canoe brings a history of canoeing
as well as partnering in a wide array of activities. And A. has had an active
recent history. After many years of unhappy marriage, limited open
communication being just one of the problems, this past Spring-Summer she filed
for and obtained a divorce. However, in 30+ years of marriage she and her
husband had canoed and whitewater rafted several times. Their pattern was A.
sitting up front, doing gentle paddling while gazing at the environs. Her ex
would steer from the rear, more intent on the exercise and on making progress
than into the serenity of the experience. It was agreed that if a course
correction was needed, the person in the back was primarily responsible for
steering the boat out of troubled waters. A. was depending on her ex to do most
of the hard work; and he was agreeable. This division of labor met each other's
individual needs; roles were specifically assigned and usually there was little
need for communication or clarification in transit. (This suited A. just fine
as conversation often flared into an argument.)
According to my Webmaster, whose wife comes from a family of canoeing fanatics,
the structure followed by A. and her ex conforms to the traditional rules of
canoeing. While this limited, "do your own thing" interaction between A. and
her ex "worked" on the water, the tightly prescribed expectations and structure,
in my mind, mostly enabled this dyad to "function" without having to actually
relate. Certainly, this division does not involve two-way, give and take
sharing and interdependent partnering. And in fact, if the couple had
experienced real turbulence canoeing, I suspect their performance on the water
would mirror the breakdown in communication and the heightened agitation and
mutual aggression when under stress on land. More shortly in the next section
on "Expectations."
As for my experience canoeing and (romantic) partnering, fairly limited in the
former and out of practice for the last number of years in the latter. Perhaps
it's telling that I've had more experience doing solo kayaking than two-person
canoeing. Will I be able to move beyond my single-minded comfort zone and
coordinate with a work/play mate?
Transferable Principle: When having conflict issues at work, it's important
to realize that a person's family, marital/relational as well as work history
influences his or her present beliefs and behaviors. Sometimes you can even
summon up empathy for an antagonist when you understand that dysfunctional
parenting or supervising as well as the coping patterns learned to please,
mollify or survive a controlling or intimidating parent, supervisor or spouse
may contribute to a noxious attitude or to passive or aggressive negativity.
(Obviously, dysfunction is not limited to authority relationships. Peer group
or collegial taunting or bullying can have dramatic and debilitating effects as
well.) At the same time, you may have to suspend assumptions and gut feelings
that make you quick to perceive, based on your own historical experience, a new
partner's or team member's initial action as a harbinger of disruptive and
dysfunctional patterns.
2. Expectations. In hindsight my expectations for canoeing were definitely
at cross-purposes with A.'s and, to be truthful, more in line with her
ex-husbands. For me, canoeing was an opportunity to get aerobic exercise, when
necessary to challenge myself (and ourselves) through engaging river-borne
obstacles (avoiding or negotiating banks, hanging limbs, eddies, logs,
protruding rocks, etc.) and to use the environs as sightlines and sources of
feedback that would enable us to communicate timely directional corrections when
veering off course. And while I could enjoy the scenery in spurts, individual
and team performance mode definitely trumped peaceful mind state. Of course, I
hadn't asked A. if she was interested in this kind of challenge.
With this framework, not surprisingly we had problems. My vigorous paddling
often negated A.'s slow and steady rhythm. Alas, I was often the initial cause
of our veering bankward. Not recognizing this interaction (perhaps not wanting
to become cognizant) I then expressed my frustration with A. for not responding
with course corrective action. That is, in my mind, A. wasn't changing her
paddling direction quickly enough. For me, her head was still in the scenery
and she also expected the steering position to take primary responsibility for
righting our ship. Clearly, we were not on the same teamwork page.
At different points I became aware of some anger that I briefly acted out
passive-aggressively, e.g., not paddling/steering in response to my perception
of A.'s limited efforts to help change our course. Not surprisingly, we were
literally and psychologically caught up in a self-perpetuating vicious cycle.
(No wonder we were paddling in circles.) An objective observer could have
easily predicted that our attempts to communicate would prove mostly futile.
This breakdown was not our normal state of affairs. We are usually pretty good
at having an open and honest dialogue when things are bugging us, at least on
land. However, there was another significant obstacle.
Transferable Principle: Too often, our untested individual beliefs obscure
the fact that the operational expectations of the dyad or among team members are
significantly unaligned. However, just telling people to get on the same page
may be naive. In fact, the first test of a partnership may be reaching genuine
agreement on a common goal. Not surprisingly, sometimes misunderstanding or
conflict between the parties is necessary before people realize there's a need
for: a) acknowledging differences, b) a learning curve, c) greater tolerance and
d) a give and take, mutually acceptable settlement. The best means of reaching
a working consensus: each party gives up something of value (without
compromising individual safety or integrity) to strengthen the greater good and
achieve the greater goal.
3. Language and Reference Barriers. As I mentioned, A. is the more
experienced canoe person and rafter. Which means she has certain commands and
procedures in her head. When I sensed we were veering off course, let's say
heading to the left riverbank, I would call out (based on my "common sense"
assessment) our need to go backward and reverse direction. Alas, common sense
for one may be confusion for another. With her paddle on the right side of the
canoe, I would tell her to push her paddle in a forward motion so we would go
"back," i.e., we should slow down with the back of the boat shifting left and
the front moving rightward. My urgings seemed to fall on deaf ears. But it was
the choice of words that were a big part of the problem.
In the rafting world, when you say "back" this refers to the direction you want
to paddle, not the direction you wish the boat to go. So she would pull back
with her right paddle, that is, A. would continue to stroke in normal fashion.
This action reduced the effectiveness of my attempts at corrective steering and
only hastened our collision with the left bank. If someone had been videotaping
this comedy of errors, we probably would have qualified for a "home videos" TV
show. But alas, in the middle of this "spinning your paddles" translation
vortex, I was not able to see the humor. Nor did A. To mix water and fire
metaphors, as we struggled on the river, I can now imagine her wondering if
regard to men and canoes (hopefully only men and canoes) she'd gone from the
cold and detached frying pan into the overheated and frustrating fire. (Though
the Cuyahoga River actually once caught on fire. But A. asked me not to belabor
this oft-cited fact.)
Fortunately, getting through the diagnostic part of this essay seems to be
helping quiet my critical inner voice and allowing some objectivity to emerge.
And while not feeling exactly light-hearted, I do recall an enlightened quote by
the psychiatrist, Ernst Kris: "What was once feared and is now mastered is
laughed at." Being able to inject some humor into my writing is helping to
defuse this Type A's sense of deflation and defeat. And A. laughed heartily as
I read my description of our misadventure. (Perhaps she's also experiencing the
Stress Doc inversion of Kris' quote: "What was once feared and is now laughed
at is no longer a master!")
Clearly A. and I have not mastered the world of canoeing; we still have much to
learn about partnering, both on water and on land. Actually, A. and I continue
to process our experience, helping clarify both expectations and
misunderstandings. Evaluating and responding to objective and well-timed
feedback is critical for all kinds of learning and skill building, as is
practicing the desired skill. Which is why in a recent discussion I hesitated
when A. volunteered to take the steering position next time out. I asked if she
could hold off till we had at least one relatively smooth, simpatico and
mutually satisfying canoeing venture with me in the back. (Trust me, in other
rhythmic undertakings I'm certainly not averse to trying out different
positions.) I'm still too Type A not to want to have some sense of learning
curve progress if not mastery. And A., being sufficiently laid back while also
aware of (and accepting of) my nature, agreed.
Transferable Principle: I recall the statistic that seventy-five percent of
the words in the English language have more than one meaning. Understandably,
differing language and reference points may readily interfere with "message sent
= message received." And this static when combined with disjointed expectations
often results in not just communication breakdown but culture clash. The nature
and complexity of the interpersonal context has relevance. Assuming the
information barriers are not so daunting, you may simply ask the other person to
paraphrase his or her understanding of your message, e.g., "Please put into your
own words what you heard me to say." (Though when your canoe missile is soon to
slam into a riverbank, a paraphrasing request may not be the first words
exploding from your lips.) However, if the communication/culture gap is
significant, then learning a new language and engaging in successful dialogue
will take time and trial and error. One must be prepared to negotiate a two-way
language and practice in earnest for a positive learning curve.
Strategic Philosophy and Pragmatic Adaptation
I believe both the canoe journey and this "post-traumatic" journaling will
encourage my personal maturation and, hopefully, the growth of our
relationship. Eyes, motor skills and mind have been opened to the changes
needed in my partnering assumptions and actions. Without further babbling, here
are "The Stress Doc's Key Steps and Strategies for Getting In Sync with a
(Canoeing) Partner":
1. Shifting Paradigms. First and foremost, I need to make a philosophical
shift in my attitude toward canoeing with A. Without forsaking my somewhat
intense, goal-focused and aerobically-competitive, New Yorker nature, perhaps I
can reconnect to my sixteen year "American in Cajun Paris" experience and evolve
a more N'Awlins and Zen-like -- let's call it the "Big EZ(en)" -- approach that
mixes canoeing and communing with nature. (How about this vision: paddling a
Mardi Gras float down the river. I know…I'll bring along a cache of beads!)
But seriously, can I find a better balance between "human doing" and "human
being?" Aha! Of course…all I need to do is create a Type A learning
challenge: exploring the Zen-like, paradoxical conundrum of "mastering
serenity"? See, wasn't that easy? Now to change mind into matter of fact
behavior…
2. Mirroring Pace and Echoing Place. I must be better aligned with A.'s
rowing energy and pace. I too need to slow down the paddling and increase my
gazing. Getting into a smooth and steady, repetitive and rhythmic motion will
be stress relieving and meditation inducing. Of course, there's that voice
inside that says, "Why should I be the one who has to make the change." But
that's the voice of "me" not "we." Actually, this reminds me of my ditty: "Tea
for Two: The Narcissist's Version":
You for me and me for me
Oh how nurturing you will be
Forget to be or not to be
Just simply think of me, me, me!
Hopefully, A. too will ponder the partnering process. But as a friend
underscored recently, my job as a (team) mate is to: a) take personal
responsibility for my beliefs and behaviors, that is, to let go of the blaming
and excuses and b) to connect constructively with A's comfort zone, not expect
her to adjust to me. However, if we both stay open, I also hear another voice:
the possibility of often subtle, sometimes more tangible, mutual adaptations
over time. Through genuinely shared experience or from the simple exposure to
each other's different strengths along with empathy for our personal
vulnerabilities, we can expand self-awareness and work our give and take
communication muscles. We can live the power of partnering.
3. Communicating Before and After. And finally, before we get on a river,
I definitely want us to review the expectations that we have for each other and
ourselves. I came up with the following interrelated questions: "What do I
need to do/what can I do to make your canoeing experience more comfortable and
enjoyable?" (As this post-trauma essay winds down, I await A.'s response with
only a touch of apprehension.) For myself, I will likely ask A., if and when we
are getting off course, to shift momentarily from tranquil gazing and stroking
to conscious paddling. At the same time, having been enlightened about the art
of synchronization and steering from the stern of the canoe, I must be prepared
to play by the rules and roles. Now, assuming manageable river conditions, I
don't anticipate an ongoing game of bumper canoes with banks, boulders or fellow
canoeists.
A.'s choice of course correction paddling may not be my first remedial
preference. But being a good partner means allowing for individual difference,
both in substance and style (as long as you don't sacrifice safety). Yet if we
basically are on the same body of water and in the same canoe, i.e., first,
addressing our mutually agreed upon and shared expectations and second, mostly
pulling in the same direction, then I'm confident that our capacity for
sympathetic and rhythmic relating will transpose to even a moderately turbulent
river journey. (And if not, I can go always back to kayaking. Just kidding.)
Finally, we need to do post-canoe processing. Sometimes there's no substitute
for error and seeming failure to capture an individual's or both party's
attention. Of course, we want this critique to follow the Stress Doc's formula
for TLC – tender loving criticism and tough loving care. Our back and forth on
the couch should be as sympathetic as our anticipated newfound rhythm on the
river. This discussion will facilitate ongoing understanding and help generate
learning curves beyond paddling into the partnering process itself – evaluating
assumptions, checking out role expectations, synchronizing language as well as
pace and being on the basically same philosophical page. (And I've promised A.
our dialogic process will be much briefer than this essay!) And with this
understanding as a launching site, I anticipate us continuing to evolve (not
without some choppy, white water/white knuckle moments) meaningful and enjoyable
sea- and land-based partnering.
In closing, this essay has enumerated both "The Obstacles to Effective Canoeing
and Productive and Supportive Partnering" and "Key Steps and Strategies for
Getting In Sync with a (Canoeing) Partner." The obstacles: 1) History, 2)
Expectations and 3) Language and Reference Barriers. The strategies: 1)
Shifting Paradigms, 2) Mirroring Pace and Echoing Place and 3) Communicating
Before and After. My hope is that these insights and ideas may generalize to a
variety of areas for human relating and provide some robust tools and techniques
for interpersonal problem solving. And my final desire, of course, is that my
trials, tribulations and humbling reflections will help one and all…Practice
Safe Stress!
Offerings:
1. Consultation-Counseling-Coaching Service from the Stress Doc ™
Expansion of Service: In-Office, Phone or Online
The Doc's areas of expertise as a consultant, counselor and speaker include:
+ Stress and Burnout and Rebuilding the Fire
+ Anger Management and Managing Difficult People
+ Growing from Loss, Grief and Depression
+ Couple Counseling and Family Issues
+ Career/Life/Relationship Transition
+ Conflict Resolution and Team Building
+ Executive and Management Coaching
+ Organizational Downsizing and Change
+ Time Management and Personal Organization
+ Motivation and High Performance/Anxiety Issues
Flexibility in length and availability for coaching-consultation sessions; day
and evening times. Fee to be determined during the first contact/consultation.
The first phone or online contact/consultation (up to 15 minutes) is free.
For more information, call 301-946-0865 or email stressdoc@aol.com.
Organizational Clients have included:
Corporations: Dupont Corporation, SAP--Human Capital Forum/ASUGS, Celebrity
Cruise Lines, America Online, Kelley School of Business/Indiana University, Day
and Zimmerman, Tellabs, Computer Sciences Corporation, SkyLink: The Airline
Ticket Center, Biography Magazine, US Pharmacopeia, Skadden Arps (Intl law
Firm), Patton Boggs (Intl Law Firm), LTS, Blackbaud, Georgetown University,
Shrader Funeral Home
Associations/Conferences: CONEXPO-CON/AGG--2005, Intl. Personnel Management
Assn. (IPMA)--2005, Human Resources Association--Natl. Capital Area, Society of
Human Resource Management, National Society of Professional Engineers, Business
Owners and Managers Assn Intl, Airplane Owners and Pilots Association,
Association of Legal Administrators, National Association of Insurance &
Financial Advisors, American College of Physicians, National Wildlife
Federation, Defense Research Institute, American Industrial Hygiene Association
Government Agencies: Australian Embassy, Centers for Disease Control, Health &
Human Services--Div. of Acquisition Management, DOD/Population Health and Health
Promotion, Department of Justice, National Institutes of Health, National
Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration (including National Weather
Service), Army Corps of Engineers, Naval Reserch Lab, Naval Sea Systems Command,
Department of Commerce, US Postal Service, Fairfax County Govt., Suffolk, VA
--------------------------
2. Stress Doc Books:
Pay by Pay Pal from website - www.stressdoc.com or
Make check to: Mark Gorkin
Send to:
9629 Elrod Road
Kensington, MD 20895
---------------
a) Really Hot: The Paperback Version of Practice Safe Stress:
Practicing Safe Stress: Healing and Laughing in the Face of Stress, Burnout, &
Depression; Stress Doc Enterprises
Published: 2004; Pages: 372
Price: $20 + $5.00 priority shipping in US; $7 for shipping in Mexico and
Canada; other international destinations to be determined
E-book Price: $15
Practice Safe Stress tackles the "Toxic-Traumatic Trio" -- stress, burnout, and
depression. Learn practical and playful, inspiring and insightful strategies
for transforming these toxins into life-affirming energy, creative focus, and
goal-achievement. Bringing a personal, professional, and organizational
perspective, the book is alive with imaginative language and memorable "how to"
ideas for:
§ Understanding the "Four Stages of Burnout," the "Erosive Spiral"
§ Rebuilding your fire and developing "Natural SPEED"
§ Achieving liberation through "Emancipation Procrastination"
§ Reducing conflict as a healing or motivational "psychohumorist" ™
There are satirical essays on "lean-and-MEAN" managers and on mismanaged
downsizings. Learn to "laugh in the face of layoffs" and ponder the possibility
of "Van Gogh, Prozac, and Creativity." The Stress Doc also shares his his own
trials, errors, and triumphs in battling the "Toxic Trio."
Safe Stress provides many discrete "Top Ten" lists and "strategic tips" essays
useful as educational/informational handouts. To quote the Internet Newsroom:
Your Guide to the World of Electronic Factgathering: "The most outstanding
feature…is his 'psychohumor' essays. Always witty, thought-provoking, and
helpful." With this easy-to-follow, fast-paced, and fun health and wellness
guide, you'll return often to Practice Safe Stress.
----------------------
b) The Four Faces of Anger: Model and Method
Transforming Anger, Rage and Conflict Into Inspiring Attitude and Behavior
The "Four Faces of Anger" presents an elegantly simple yet intellectually
powerful model that will challenge your beliefs about anger -- both regarding
its range of emotion and its potential for positive communication. The book is
a dynamic blend of popular psychohumor articles, essays, case examples and short
vignettes, as well as Stress Doc Q & As and even "Shrink Rap" ™ lyrics. You
will gain ideas and tools, skills and techniques for personal control, playful
intervention and conflict mastery. Learn to:
Ø Identify self-defeating styles of anger and violence-prone personalities
Ø Transform hostility and rage into assertion and passion
Ø Confront directly or disarm outrageously critics and (passive) aggressors
Ø Bust the guilt not burst a gut
Ø Prevent emails from becoming e-missiles
And finally, his years as a multimedia psychotherapist and as a Stress and
Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service yield a survival and
spiritual mantra at the heart of the "Four Faces of Anger":
Seek the higher power of Stress Doc humor…May the Farce Be With You!
Published: 2004; Pages: 116 [Book size: 9"x12"]
Paperback: Price: $20 + $5.00 priority shipping in US; $7 for shipping in
Mexico and Canada; other international destinations to be determined
E-Book: $15
Mark Gorkin, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, is a psychotherapist and
"Motivational Humorist" whose Interactive Keynotes and Kickoffs draw wide and
"amazing" acclaim - from Fortune 100s and Federal Agencies to around the world
with Celebrity Cruise Lines. An OD/Team Building Consultant, Mark is the
author of Practice Safe Stress: Healing and Laughing in the Face of Stress,
Burnout & Depression and of The Four Faces of Anger: Transforming Anger, Rage,
and Conflict Into Inspiring Attitude and Behavior. Also, the Doc is AOL's
"Online Psychohumorist" ™ running his weekly "Shrink Rap ™ and Group Chat." See
his award winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com (cited as a
workplace resource by National Public Radio (NPR). Finally, Mark is an advisor
to The Bright Side ™ -- www.the-bright-side.org -- a multi-award winning mental
health resource. Email for his monthly newsletter showcased on List-a-Day.com.
For more info on the Doc's speaking and training programs and products, email
stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-946-0865.
(c) Mark Gorkin 2006
Shrink Rap Productions