The Stress Doc Newsletter
Notes from the
Online Psychohumorist™
DEC 2009, No. I, Sec. II
Fight when you can
Take flight when you must
Flow like a dream
In the Phoenix we trust!
Main Essay I:
The Stress Doc captures the colorful sights, animated and soothing sounds and
profound silences as one travels down a mountain country road. Once again, he
must escape the big city to nurture fully all his senses and tune in to the big
picture.
The Gospel of a Country Road
Take me home, country roads
To the place I belong
West Virginia, Mountain Momma
Take me home, country roads.
John Denver knew of what and where he sang. And yet, each year I debate taking
my solo, overnight retreat to the mountains of West Virginia. It's a five-six
hour drive, and I've done it before, at times money has been a concern, while
October's usually a busy month, and the leaves probably won't be that
spectacular this season with the lack of rain…blah, blah, blah. And fortunately,
it's not a logical debate; it's a spiritual one. An act of faith. In some silent
subterranean nexus of psyche and soul, there's a need to be connected intimately
and tangibly with the big picture. So I go…and return quieter, wiser and
spiritually richer.
A Long Day's Journey Into the Soul of the Dark Night
This year I journeyed to Helvetia, WV, also known as Little Switzerland.
Helvetia is an idyllic mountain village, maybe thirty residents. While Heidi
doesn't live here anymore, one of the natives is, in fact, that delightful and
dynamic "mountain momma" (actually, a grandma) who returned to her roots after a
divorce and living abroad. She built a bed and breakfast, that is, a Hutte or
restaurant along with separate sleeping quarters. The latter is a rustic,
wooden, two storied cabin-like structure that captures the feel of Old World
Europe. Swiss and German immigrants originally settled the town about 130 years
ago. Escaping religious persecution, these folks landed in Brooklyn and somehow
did the covered wagon tour to their New World mountain hamlet. (And I complain
about my long trip. Actually, I enjoy the focused excitement of driving along
tight mountain curves.)
No phone, no TV. Over 36 hours detached from the virtual virtues and vices of
cyberspace. And maybe that's the moral of this essay: when so absorbed in my
online and offline writing and workshop activities, I sometimes forget how
critical it is to nurture the larger senses and spirit. Let me sketch and relive
this vibrant picture. A babbling stream, a stone's throw from my bedroom window,
bisects the town. How restful that late afternoon nap after an hour's hike up
and down that forested country road, gently rocked to sleep by the gurgling,
splashing stream. I wouldn't be surprised if there isn't some hard-wired memory
in our reptilian brain.
And speaking of the brain and the senses, for me, the color of the leaves also
evokes an overpowering chemical reaction. When bathed in sunlight, the
shimmering waves of lemons and apricots and orange-cranberry hues overwhelm the
logical left-hemisphere. All I can do is gaze and sometimes gasp. And from a
distance write:
The forest as the artist/Trees willowy and bold
The brushstrokes of the branches/Leaves afire red and gold.
And then God-like fingers/Stream down from above
Solar rays caress you both/A touch of nature's love.
(See SDNews, Sec. I for the entire "Mountain Vision" lyric.)
While not brilliantly breathtaking, the colors have a more subtle, a more mature
beauty this year. (Maybe it's a projection of a fifty-year-old psyche ;-)
And when the color disappears and night descends, then the other big picture
show takes center stage. Walking in the cool, clean, crisp mountain air, down
another country road, beyond the last remnants of man-made lighting, reveals the
truly majestic and miraculous mystery. As wonderful as cyberspace is, it can't
compete with the real thing. Growing up in New York City, presently living in
Washington, DC, one hardly remembers the night sky. Viewing clearly the Milky
Way and a myriad of stars (this year I didn't see shooting stars) surely places
everything in a vastly different perspective. And on this "I-Thou MAX" screen,
one does not just find constellations; there are almost limitless projections.
Silhouetted against the darkened yet starlit panorama, the towering black-grey
tree-covered mountain ridge morphs into the elongated spine and tail of a
slumbering brontosaurus. Down a darkly deserted road, Hollywood has nothing on
the resultant primal images and urges when plugging our own imagination into the
ultimate mountain momma...mother nature! I can still detect a lingering soreness
in my neck from not being able to stop gazing heavenward.
And day follows night. Again, I'm a lonely traveler along another hallowed and
hushed path, before the sun has climbed above the mountain ridge. It's the
coldest part of the day. Frost on my car windshield. The first steamy breath
sighting of the season. Seeing the stream, a gently flowing, dark purple sheet
of glass with a hint of light, reminds me how rarely I observe my environment at
this hour of the morning. (And I'm a morning person.) Yesterday's late afternoon
rustling of deer just beyond sight is replaced by the morning song and medleys
of birds. Also, the rhythmic rat-tat-tat of a woodpecker.
And I'm ready for the hearty breakfast in front of a fiery pot-bellied stove.
The heat and light are as nurturing as the fresh fruit cup, warm banana bread
and preserves, oatmeal and brown sugar and hot tea. Such a meal has me sleepy.
And for now, alas, the dreamy journey must end.
Having set down my trip in words and images heartens me. This gets saved to a
readily accessible file to remind me that this man can't live by intellect and
words, psychology and virtuality alone. There must be time for space and color,
light and shadows and pitch darkness, for the animated sounds of nature, along
with tactile and olfactory pleasures and bracing cold pain, for a quiet
sanctuary to recover our primal essence. Yes, take me home country road. A world
for simply being not of human doing and, surely, a time and place for…Practicing
Safe Stress!
Main
Essay II:
Practicing Safe Stress for the Holidays:
"Fast Food for Thought" from the Stress Doc
Yesterday I had a blast. It only lasted ten-minutes but the ebb and flow of the
audience's riveted attention and hearty laughter produced a slow to fade
afterglow. I did some serious shtick on "Practicing Safe Stress for the
Holidays" at a holiday gathering for members of Federally Employed Women
(FEW)/Metro Washington Region. Consider this some holiday "fast food for
thought" from the Stress Doc. Hopefully you will find these morsels quick and
easy to consume, tasty and nutritious. The menu lineup:
A. Stress Doc's Classic Holiday Joke and Poetic Proverbs
B. Holiday Stress Smoke Signals
C. Burnout Spiral and The Vital Lesson of the Four "R"s
D. The Six Strategic "F"s for Mastering Loss and Change
E. Closing "Shrink Rap" ™
Enjoy!
-------------------------
Practicing Safe Stress for the Holidays:
Some Serious Shtick or Fast Food for Thought
A. Stress Doc's Classic Holiday Joke and Poetically Punchy Pro-active
Verbals
While many associate the holidays with Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol,
and its theme of gaining and sharing the holiday spirit, the opening lines from
A Tale of Two Cities may have even more relevance:
It was the best of times, it was the worst of time
It was the season of light, it was the season of darkness...
It was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.
Like Dickens, I too have tried to capture the complexity of the holidays; if not
through a great novel, then with my one classic holiday joke. To help you
negotiate some of that holiday pressure, consider this distinction between
"Holiday Blues" and "Holiday Stress." Now holiday blues is the feeling
of loss or sadness that you have over the holidays when, for whatever reason,
you can't be with those people who have been or are special and significant.
And holiday stress...is when you have to be with some of those
people!
So here are two "poetically punchy pro-active verbals" for survival:
Pushing Boundaries
You may think I'm at a loss without having you as boss.
Still, when it's just me, not us or you
Please, don't tell me what to do!
Do ask or suggest; maybe better…let it rest!
And a "pp" with a humorous edge:
Tenaci-Tea for Two: The Narcissist's Version
You for me and me for me.
Oh how nurturing you will be.
Forget "to be or not to be"
Just simply think of Me, Me Me!
B. Holiday Stress Smoke Signals
How do you know when you're experiencing "holiday stress smoke signals?"
Drawing on my "Three 'B' Stress Barometer" Exercise, how do your Brain, Body
and Behavior tell you when you're under more stress or are more tense than
usual?
Snappy, impatient, rise in blood pressure, increased smoking or drinking,
mind-racing or in a fog, etc., etc. These are some of the common responses to
the above question. Here are three of my favorites. Notice how the first two
are double-edged:
1) Sleep Disturbance -- "Some mornings, anyone ever feels like just not
getting out of bed? Then, aren't there folks who know all the best buys on Ebay
or Home Shopping Network at three in the morning?"
2) Eating Disturbance -- "Anyone eat a little more under stress to numb
those gnawing anxious feelings?" Many hands quickly go up. "Anyone lose their
appetite or eat less when feeling stressed?" A few hands flutter. My immediate
response: "And we hate those people, don't we?"
3) TMJ -- "Does anyone have problems with muscle tension, back or neck
pain? What about a clenched jaw or TMJ? We know what TMJ really stands for,
don't we…Too Many Jerks!"
C. Burnout Spiral and The Vital Lesson of the Four "R"s
And stress unchecked can spiral…into a state of burnout. In fact, I call
burnout the "erosive spiral": Burnout is a gradual process by which a person
detaches from work and other significant roles and relationships in response to
excessive and prolonged stress and mental, physical, and emotional strain. The
result is lowered productivity, cynicism, confusion, a feeling of being drained
having nothing more to give. Doesn't sound like fun!
How to stop this vicious cycle? Grapple with "The Vital Lesson of the Four
'R's": If no matter what you do or how hard you try, Results, Rewards,
Recognition and Relief are not forthcoming and you can't say "No" or won't "let
go", that is, you can't step back and get a new perspective; there's only one
right person, position, or possible outcome because in your mind you've invested
so much time, money, and ego…trouble awaits. The groundwork is being laid for
apathy, callousness, and despair!
How to let go?…See right below.
D. The Six Strategic "F"s for Mastering Loss and Change
In today's uncertain economic and career climate, the ability to grapple
effectively with unemployment, a downsized budget or family lifestyle, to handle
the uncertainty of a company reorganization, or flexibly adapt to working in new
departments or with new work teams is vital. However, positively engaging with
loss and change requires more than just "sucking it up." Try mastering the
Stress Doc's Six "F"s of Loss and Change; turn potential danger into personal
and professional opportunity:
1) Familiar. Grapple with the anxiety, rage, hopelessness or sadness in
letting go of the familiar role or predictable past. The big question: Who am
I? This role or relationship has been such a big part of my identity.
Remember, sometimes your former niche of success now has you mostly stuck in the
ditch of excess. There's a critical crossroad ahead,
2) Future. Clearly the horizon appears cloudy and threatening, lacking
direction and clarity. What will be expected of me? Who will I now have to
report to or work with? Just because your past or traditional roles and
responsibilities may be receding doesn't mean you can't transfer your experience
and skills into new challenging arenas,
3) Face. Some loss of self-esteem and self-worth is all too common,
especially when our life puzzle has been broken up other than by one's own
hand. Would this scenario be unsettling: "Two months ago you gave our
department a great performance review? Now you're cutting our budget in a major
way, and no one knows if there will be layoffs." Shame and guilt, rage and
diminished confidence are frequent early traveling partners on an uncertain and
profound transitional journey,
4) Focus. Major change can be scary. Underlying feelings may include
rage, helplessness, hopelessness and humiliation. Sometimes we need a little
rage to break through chains of mind-body-behavior paralysis. Of course, rage
needs to be tempered. Remember, more people shoot themselves in the foot than
go postal! (And, let me say, as a former Stress and Violence Prevention
Consultant with the US Postal Service, I know "Going Postal.") The challenge is
to grapple with this array of powerful feelings, if need be, with personal or
professional support. You want to temper the rage by having the courage to
embrace those vulnerable emotions; this leads to a productive, yin-yang state of
"focused anger." You can't just willpower your way through this emotional
quicksand or burnout spiral.
Remember,
For the Phoenix to rise from the ashes
One must know the pain
To transform the fire to burning desire!
If you can honestly grapple and grieve the first three "F"s, then you are
engaged in a productive brooding and refocusing aggression process. Maybe I am
ready to knock on if not knock down doors again. At minimum, you will affirm,
"I may not like the cards that have been dealt, but how do I make the best of my
reality right now." And you'll likely start hatching a new perspective with, if
not crystal clear targets, then an intuitive, crystal ball-like enlightenment.
Suddenly this Stress Doc mantra starts resonating: "I don't know where I'm
going...I just think I know how to get there!"
5) Feedback. Throughout this process, but especially now, getting solid
feedback is crucial. It's not easy getting clear, clean, and honest feedback:
many don't really have a clue how to give it. Or people are fearful you won't
know how to handle it. You have to work hard to find someone who will give you
the Stress Doc's version of TLC: "Tender Loving Criticism" and "Tough Loving
Care." You need a "stress buddy" to help sort out the wheat from the chaff.
Before you blow up in a supervisor's office check in with your buddy and ask,
"Am I seeing this situation objectively or not? What's my part in this
problem?" In times of rapid or daunting change, trustworthy feedback helps us
remember who we are; that our basic, core self remains intact despite being
shaken by unsettling forces.
6) Faith. Having the courage to grapple with these "F"s now yields a
strength to understand what in your present life rests in your control and what
lies beyond. Of course, there's always an unpredictable element or moment in
major transition. Life is not a straight line progression. However, by doing
your "head work, heart work and homework," you are in a much stronger personal
and professional position. You are building cognitive and emotional muscles;
you can have faith in a growing ability to handle whatever will be thrown at
you. Going through this process means you are evolving the psychological
capacity for dealing with ambiguous and unpredictable twists and turns on life's
journey. As I once penned: Whether the loss is a key person, a desired
position or a powerful illusion, each deserves the respect of a mourning. The
pit in the stomach, the clenched fists and quivering jaw, the anguished sobs
prove catalytic in time. In mystical fashion like spring upon winter, the seeds
of dissolution bear fruitful renewal.
And how do we transform mystical maturation into everyday evolution? Consider
the prescient words of the great scientific/polio pioneer, Dr. Jonas Salk:
Evolution is about getting up one more time than you fall down; being courageous
one more time than you are fearful; and trusting just one more time than you are
anxious.
E. Closing "Shrink Rap" ™
I close by putting on my Blues Brothers hat and black sunglasses and taking out
a black tambourine, thereby revealing a secret identity: "I'm pioneering the
field of psychologically humorous rap music and as a therapist calling it, of
course, 'Shrink Rap' ™ Productions." Predictably, there's an audible groan from
the audience. And my response: "Groan now. We'll see who has the last
groan." (However, in my defense, years back, an African American friend upon
hearing the lyrics said, "Oh, so you're into 'Aristocratic Rap.'")
I then explain that this is my Charlie Chaplin Maneuver. ("Alas, after I'm
through you may need the Heimlich Maneuver.") The pioneering comedic film
genius observed that, The paradoxical thing about making comedy is that it is
precisely the tragic which arouses the funny. We have to laugh due to our
helplessness in the face of natural forces and in order not to go crazy.
Naturally, I note that what the audience is "about to see and hear will give new
meaning to the word 'tragic.' And as for not going 'crazy,' it's way too late
for that. So buckle up your straightjackets…It's the 'Stress Doc's Stress
Rap.'" And not only am I belting out the words but I'm prancing around the room
while banging on the tambourine.
The Stress Doc's Stress Rap
When it comes to feelings do you stuff them inside?
Is tough John Wayne your emotional guide?
And it's not just men so proud and tight-lipped.
For every Rambo there seems to be a Rambette.
So you give up sleep, become wired and spent
Escape lonely frustration as a mall-content.
It's time to look at your style of stress.
You can't just dress or undress for success.
Are you grouchy with colleagues or quietly mean?
Hell, you'd rather talk to your computer machine.
When the telephone rings, you're under the gun
Now you could reach out and really crush someone.
The boss makes demands yet gives little control
So you prey on chocolate and wish life were dull, but
Office desk's a mess, often skipping meals
Inside your car looks like a pocketbook on wheels.
Those deadlines, deadlines...all that aggravation
Whew, you only have time for procrastination.
Now I made you feel guilty, you want to confess
Better you should practice the art of "Safe Stress."
(c) Mark Gorkin 1992
Shrink Rap Productions
At the onset of my "performance," people seem embarrassed for me; some are just
sitting there wide-eyed with their mouths agape. (Clearly I'm perpetuating a
stereotype, notwithstanding Elvis Presley, John Travolta and Justin Timberlake:
the rhythmically-challenged status of the white male!) However, my bravery if
not my witticisms win them over. Often the group begins clapping their hands to
my self-styled beat. Once the lyrics are completed the room erupts in
applause. After waving off the feedback, my immediate response: "I've been
doing this long enough…I know when an audience is applauding out of relief!"
And then, "All this shows after twenty years off and on of all kinds of therapy
-- from Jungian analysis to primal scream -- I have one singular
accomplishment. Just one: Absolutely no appropriate sense of shame!"
Finally, as the laughter subsides, a woman in the audience ventures a comment,
likely on other's minds: "Don't quit your day job!"
And my rejoinder is fairly predictable: "It's too late…This is my day job!"
Hey, I'm just fulfilling my destiny: "Have Stress? Will Travel: A Smart Mouth
for Hire!" Obviously, my goal in life: "Being both a wise man and a
wise guy!" And hopefully, my attempt at mixing wit and wisdom will help one and
all...Practice Safe Stress!
Testimonials:
Daytona State College
[Two Programs -- "Practice Safe Stress" and a "Leader's Greatest Gift -- TLCs:
Inspiring Trust, Laughter and Creative Collaboration" -- for faculty and staff;
Dec 2009; Dr. Rita Quinton, a longtime reader of the StressDoc Newsletter,
was finally in a position to invite me as a speaker.]
Daytona State College wanted a guest speaker that would motivate, entertain,
inform and energize its faculty and staff. Mark Gorkin provided all of that and
more. His approach to learning involved each participant and led them through
experiential exercises that punctuated each of his subject emphasis points.
He leads his audience down the path and fully describes stress and then presents
strategies to reduce both stress and potential burnout. He then builds on those
premises with leadership concepts that challenge his audience to attain a higher
level of trust through laughter and creative collaboration.
Through Mark Gorkin's lecture, exercises, humor and song, the Daytona State
College staff and faculty gain usable knowledge and behaviors that will enhance
abilities to handle stress and lead the college into the future.
Thomas Sanders
Training Manager
Organizational Facilty & Development
SanderTh@daytonastate.edu
------------
Mark Gorkin did everything he said he would do and more! His presentation style
demonstrates his deep understanding of people, and he was both entertaining and
thoughtfully engaging while teaching and guiding the audience.
Rita Quinton, Ph.D.
Associate Vice President
Organizational Facilty & Development
Leadership Development Institute
quintor@daytonastate.edu
Daytona State College
1200 West Intl. Speedway Blvd.
Daytona Beach, FL 32114
386-506-3222
-----------------------------
Assn. of Legal Administrators
Regions 1 & 2 Educational Conference & Exposition, Savannah, GA
Oct 2009
Just a brief summation of some of the "outside the box/outside the curve"
evaluation feedback that my high energy, highly interactive and FUN program --
"Practicing Safe Stress in Times of Change" (CM02) -- received at the 2009
Regions 1 & 2 Educational Conference & Exposition held in Savannah, GA this past
October.
Out of 62 attendees there were 57 responses. The total conference presenter
evaluation average was 6.09 out of a possible 7; my overall rating: 6.54. My
actual range:
The content was interesting to me...6.72
The presenter demonstrated mastery of the topic...6.70; presenter made good use
of allotted time...6.70 to
I gained new insight relevant to my work...6.35
My learning objectives for this course were addressed...6.40
And 94.6 would recommend this speaker for future conferences (1.8% did not
answer).
Though it's the written responses that really capture the flavor of the electric
time we had. (Actually, an officer from the Atlanta Chapter came up to me right
after the program and said, "I wasn't in your workshop, but everyone is raving
about your program. Would you be willing to come to Atlanta?") Some of the
written responses:
Highly recommend for the future. Needed larger room. Speaker captivated
attendees the entire time.
This workshop was a lot of fun, at the same time we learned a lot!!
He has great energy and his ability to motivate was dynamic -- great session.
Initially I was skeptical of this session, but I REALLY enjoyed it. Maybe his
animation helped me to think outside of the box. I thought the group drawing
was an excellent exercise for us to do together. The rap [sic] was hysterical.
[I'm pioneering the field of psychologically humorous rap music and, as a
therapist, calling it, naturally, "Shrink Rap" ™ Productions.] And finally...
We need more seminars like this that bring us all together.
Assembled by
Rosemary Shiels
Professional Development Program Manager
847-267-1252
---------------------
Alameda Pediatric Dentistry
(One-day Team Building Retreat for 25-person Office; Carmel Valley, CA)
November 16, 2009
Dear Mark,
On behalf of all the doctors and staff members at Alameda and Pleasanton
Pediatric Dentistry, we would like to thank you for putting on such a fun and
entertaining program during our staff retreat in Carmel! Everyone took away a
little something from the tips you gave about communication and team building.
I can't count how many times during the day that people would tell me how your
talk was exactly what we needed. We appreciated the open atmosphere that was
created -- where even the shyest staff members felt comfortable speaking up and
getting involved in the discussions and exercises. Everyone came back
noticeably energized and our team was even more cohesive than before; ready to
take on the challenges that we are all currently facing during these times.
Thanks for helping make the retreat a successful and worthwhile event. People
are already asking about when the next one will be.
Sincerely,
MyLinh Ngo, DMD
Alameda Pediatric Dentistry
mylinh.ngo@gmail.com
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social
Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker and "Motivational Humorist"
known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN speaking and workshop programs. In
addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant
for a variety of govt. agencies, corporations and non-profits. Mark is an
Adjunct Professor, No. VA (NOVA) Community College and currently he is leading
"Stress, Team Building and Humor" programs for the 1st Cavalry and 4th Infantry
Divisions, Ft. Hood, Texas and Fort Leonard Wood, MO. He is also delivering
webcasts for the national Institute for Paralegal Education. A former Stress
and Conflict Consultant for the US Postal Service, the Stress Doc is the author
of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his
award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com --
called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info
on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free
e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
(c) Mark Gorkin 2009
Shrink Rap™ Productions