The Stress Doc Letter
Cybernotes from the Online Psychohumorist ™
APR 2010, No. I, Sec. II
Fight when you can
Take flight when you must
Flow like a dream
In the Phoenix we trust!
Main Essay:
Career Disruption Stress or Surviving "The Jack Benny Dilemma":
When It Really Is "Your Money or Your Life" -- Part I
This week I was the keynote speaker at the Forty Plus annual dinner
(www.40plus-dc.org/), a volunteer-based, Washington, DC, career
transition/support group. In general, members are white collar types, e.g.,
federal employees, managers, IT professionals, academics, even some
entrepreneurs, who are "in between jobs." With only 20 minutes of speaking
time, my subject was definitely apt, both for the attendees and for me --
"Letting Go."
From a "psycho-semantic" perspective, "letting go" involves more than just
physically "dropping the rope."
Consider these Three Psycho-Social Meanings-Manifestations of "Letting Go":
1. Emotional Acceptance and Exploration. Typically, it signifies
cognitive-emotional acceptance that a desired position or person, outcome or
dream is not going to materialize or not going to play out as you had hoped.
And after a period of emotional catharsis if not soul searching, sometimes
encouraged by venting to a third party, other times facilitated by confronting
an antagonist, one is prepared to consider a new line of thinking or a different
course of action.
2. Personal Defeat and Defensiveness. Of course, when we interpret
having to "let go" as a personal diminishment or defeat, that is, not just a
loss of position or property but also as a confounding or humiliating loss of
identity, power and prestige along with a loss of personal security or sense of
control then, not surprisingly, people will hold on. Some will cling even if
holding on is now holding them back or having them stuck in a hole. Remember,
harboring a feeling of injury or victimhood may not just leave a bitter taste in
the mouth…it may lead to fulminations. An inability to let go often sets the
stage for chronic anger and resentment transmuting into holier than thou
self-righteousness.
3. Precursor to Losing Control. Finally, for people not comfortable
with facing and sorting out strong emotions or for folks having a low "out of
control" threshold there's a palpable fear about letting go (and engaging with
their vulnerability): once the floodgates are open, you will be inundated by
and may ultimately drown in those unstoppable, convulsing waves of emotion.
Four "R"s and Six "F"s: Letters for Letting Go
The time was right to share "The Vital Lesson of the Four 'R's": If no
matter what you do or how hard you try Results, Rewards, Recognition and/or
Relief are not forthcoming an you can't say "no" or won't "let go," trouble
awaits…The groundwork is being laid for apathy, callousness and despair.
That is, if you have invested so much time, money and ego in one right person or
position, and you can't step back -- not giving up in defeat, but letting go to
introduce some novelty and gain a new perspective -- then you are setting in
motion the "erosive spiral," my phrase for the burnout process. Remember,
burnout is less a sign of failure and more that you gave yourself away!
During my preparation, I had decided on a Yin-Yang approach, opening with the
poignant "Vital Lesson of the Four 'R's" then presenting "The Six 'F's for
Productively Managing Loss and Change," before shifting into a more
light-hearted gear. (Okay, I confess: I'm a charter member of the new
Washington, DC-based AA group -- "Acronyms Anonymous.") The "Six 'F's" are
psychosocial emotions, issues and tasks that challenge an individual to grapple
with: a) the loss of the familiar, b) an uncertain future, c) a
loss of face, d) regaining focus, especially focused aggression,
e) getting good feedback by developing a "TLC" relationship: someone who
can provide "Tender Loving Criticism" and "Tough Loving Care," and f) having
faith that if you do your "headwork, heartwork and homework" you will
develop the cognitive-emotional muscles to withstand this transitional tempest,
as well as to realize the opportunity in seemingly dangerous change and
conflict. (Email stressdoc@aol.com for an elaboration of "The Six
'F's.")
The audience resonated with these emotional tasks and touchstones. But it was
reciting some poetic lines penned years ago regarding the connections between
grief and growth and the natural and spiritual worlds that enveloped the hotel
room in a poignant and pregnant shroud of meditative silence: Whether the loss
is a key person, a desired position or a powerful illusion each deserves the
respect of a mourning. The pit in the stomach, the clenched fists and quivering
jaw, the anguished sobs prove catalytic in time. In mystical fashion, like
spring upon winter, the seeds of dissolution bear fruitful renewal.
The Old Man and the M-word
Having covered the poignant, I envisioned the last third of the program
stimulating the playful. (To be shared in a future essay.) But in between came
a "Letting Go" story that featured both pain and some wordplay. My dad had been
a salesman employed twenty years by the same company in New York's "fashion
industry." Okay, let's get real; he worked in the "Garment Center" selling the
interlining for women's dresses for a large manufacturer/distributor. It was a
rough world, but as an aggressive Type A New Yorka, he was doing pretty well.
His loyal clientele gave him a freedom to operate fairly independently within
the large company.
Seemingly, he had made peace with this rough trade. However, over a period of
several years, he had been denying an even tougher piece of reality: organized
crime was increasingly taking over my father's place of work. Then one day
reality punched him in the gut: he was told if he wanted to continue working
for David B. Carmel & Co., he would have to report to Tommy D. And suddenly my
father was in a major existential-financial crisis. (Which brings us to the
Jack Benny classic mentioned in the title? Jack is being held up at gun point,
and is challenged, "Your money or your life!" His stage persona is notoriously
frugal. Jack starts pondering his options; of course, he's not planning an
escape or trying to figure out how to disarm the robber. No, Jack is agonizing
over which is more distressful - parting with his money or losing his life.
When brusquely told to hurry up, Jack's plaintive reply: "I'm thinking. I'm
thinking.")
Of course, my father's "trial and terror" could not be summed up in a punchline.
I can vaguely recall my father lying on the couch, the tension written large on
his face and body. I sometimes feared he might kill himself or even someone
else. Fueling his sense of helplessness, my father was resisting his typical
coping mechanism when under acute interpersonal duress: once feeling provoked,
almost reflexively he would move into an aggressive, bordering on the physical,
"in your face" confrontation with a perceived adversary. Fortunately,
discretion and survival instincts were the better part of financial angst,
inflamed anger and wounded pride. He decided that a relationship with Tommy D
was even more frightening than walking away from a long-time job and paycheck.
Not only was he enraged but, having two kids to support, he was also scared.
The anxiety pushed him to take a position at another large manufacturing
company. Very quickly he felt stifled by the bureaucratic regimen and control.
And two months later he walked away from the security. Job independence and
self-control were now the motivational drivers.
Despite the anxiety, now he really researched job options, and finally decided
to be the lone rep for "Eli," an older man who owned his own relatively small
interlining warehouse. Eli was a Garment Center caricature; an "Old World"
aggressive-suspicious-shrewd business owner; the arguments between him and my
father were legendary: each one feared being ripped off by the other. Eli came
up to my father's chest, which was probably a good thing or I believe my father
might have followed through on his threats to "kill that SOB." So the price of
freedom was the many battles with Eli. (Not surprisingly, my father had a lot
of unfinished anger/issues with his often aloof immigrant father who, like Eli,
was a short, stubborn, aggressive barrel-chested individual. And both elder men
were quick to challenge my father's loyalty.) And though Eli often drove my
father "crazy," in my family, craziness we can deal with, the Mafia is another
story.
Ultimately, Eli and my father did not kill or run one another off. In fact, my
father scaled new financial heights those last dozen or so years in that rep
position.
Finally, the moral of the story: Many of us have been through
reorganization or worse -- company downsizing. And I especially dislike the
demeaning label, "rightsizing." But my father's crisis point called for new
terminology - "frightsizing!" Nonetheless, by truly grappling with the intense
emotions, especially the sense of unfairness and his paralyzing rage, my father
was able to walk away, not once but twice. He escaped the Mafia trap and then
had the courage to listen to his gut. He let go of the safe job and took time
to research carefully other possibilities. And he eventually paved a new path!
Who knew my father was a devotee of French-Algerian Nobel Prize-winning author
and philosopher, Albert Camus:
Once we have accepted the fact of loss we understand that the loved one [or
loved position] obstructed a whole corner of the possible pure now as a sky
washed by rain.
Surely, words to help one and all…Practice Safe Stress!
"Letting Go" and Transforming Your Intimate FOE: Fear of Exposure -- Part II
Part I of this two-part essay focused on my format for illustrating the concept
of "Letting Go" during a 20-minute after dinner keynote for the career
transition/support group, Forty Plus. [Email stressdoc@aol.com for this
essay.] I reviewed both the dynamics and dangers of not being able to "let
go": "if you have invested so much time, money and ego in one right person or
position, and you can't step back and gain a new perspective…then you are
setting in motion the 'erosive spiral,' that is, the groundwork is being laid
for apathy, callousness and despair, my phrase for the burnout process."
I also outlined six key psycho-social tasks and tools for "Managing Loss and
Change." And finally, the essay fleshed out "Three Psycho-Social
Meanings-Manifestations of "Letting Go":
1. Emotional Acceptance and Open-Mindedness. Typically, it signifies
cognitive-emotional acceptance that a desired position or person, objective or
dream is not going to materialize or not going to play out as you had hoped.
You are no longer trying to control or compel another person or a particular
outcome. And after a period of emotional catharsis if not soul searching,
sometimes encouraged by venting to a third party, other times facilitated by
confronting an antagonist, one is prepared to consider a new line of thinking or
a different course of action.
2. Personal Defeat and Defensiveness. For many, "letting go" is a
personal loss, for example, a loss of position or property as well as a
confounding or humiliating loss of identity, power and prestige. When
experiencing a loss of personal security or sense of control, not surprisingly,
people will hold on. Some will cling even if holding on is now holding them
back or having them stuck in a hole. Remember, harboring a feeling of injury or
victimhood may not just leave a bitter taste in the mouth. An inability to let
go often sets the stage for chronic anger and resentment transmuting into holier
than thou self-righteousness.
3. Precursor to Losing Control. Finally, for people not comfortable
with facing and sorting out strong emotions or for folks having a low "out of
control" threshold there's a palpable fear about letting go (and engaging with
their vulnerability): once the floodgates are open, they will be inundated by
and may ultimately drown in those unstoppable, convulsing waves of emotion.
And the remainder of the first article (and a story shared with dinner guests)
focused on a dangerous turn of events in my father's mid-career path - organized
crime came pounding on the door of his place of work. He was forced to look
elsewhere for employment; a dramatic instance of corporate reorganization or
what I aptly called "frightsizing!"
Confronting Your Intimate FOE: Concept and Exercise
Examining the above "letting go" list, I believe one more dynamic deserves our
attention:
4. Willingness to Risk, Reveal and Explore. In contrast to #3 above,
our final conception of "letting go" means giving up a significant degree of
order or control, but without feeling helplessly "out of control." In fact,
this degree of freedom is usually predicated upon a basic feeling of safety and
sufficient trust, if not a sense of confidence and competence. This inner
strength is often built on trial and error learning. In fact, a key ingredient
in this exploratory position is a willingness to be less than perfect and to
also appear awkward, be wrong or even "fail." Of course, especially when faced
with significant uncertainty, you may "aware-ily" jump in, that is, you are
taking a risk, with both awareness and some wariness…but not enough to hold you
back. And sometimes, when you really have that sense of relaxed attention and
flexible focus, letting go means "going with your own energy and the group
flow."
Actually, the final third of the after-dinner presentation in surprising fashion
brought to life the notion of "letting go" as a willingness to take a social
risk. More specifically, I challenged the attendees to let down a professional
persona and share their imperfect humanity through my four word group exercise:
"Share an Embarrassing Moment!"
The tables of eight seemed to spontaneously divide into two or three clusters.
After the initial surprise and silence, the room quickly was abuzz with energy,
intimate huddling and charged body language, dramatic gestures, along with
frequent bursts of laughter. One story seemingly inspired another: "That was
good, now let me tell you about the time…"
I suspect the group was ready to engage quickly with the exercise because small
group problem solving is a staple of the Forty Plus experience, though non-Forty
Plus members were also in attendance. Also, a number of people had heard me
before; they knew to expect the quirky and unexpected when the Stress Doc
presents. Finally, the opening material on the dangers of not "letting go" and
dealing with loss and change created a poignant tension in the room…People were
ready to break it.
Benefits of Confronting Your Intimate FOE
Now, consider these "Five Benefits of Transforming Fear of Exposure into the
Fun of Embarrassment":
1. Engage in Rapid and Risky, Intimate and Mutual Sharing. Revealing an
embarrassing moment quickly affirms our mutual humanity, despite age and gender,
ethnic and cultural differences, etc. Letting down, if not letting go of, your
"professional" or "have it all together" mask often helps others reach out to
you and frees them to also risk sharing.
2. Accept Our Imperfections. Such group sharing, especially with an
empathic audience, helps people realize they are not uniquely awkward, dumb,
clueless, etc. You are with folks who not only have "walked in your shoes," but
likely have had similar bunions. And the sharing of flaws and foibles often
builds a bridge between humanity and humor. As the great disability pioneer and
humanitarian, Helen Keller noted: The world is so full of care and sorrow it is
a gracious debt we owe one another to discover the bright crystals of delight
hidden in somber circumstances and irksome tasks.
3. Embellish Your Story. During post-exercise analysis, participants
frequently confirm that once into the story-telling, it was not hard to add if
not exaggerate details, making the experience a bit larger than life. Memory is
not absolute or fixed; the more we share a story, especially a retelling that
allows for a manageable level of emotional catharsis, the greater the potential
for perceiving the past from a renewed, less burdensome perspective. Once half
empty, that proverbial looking glass may become half full.
4. Affirm Courage and Mastery. Actually, such public revelation helps
make the incident in hindsight seem smaller, less scary or "embarrassing." By
seeing some humor in the situation or not taking the awkward moment personally -
perhaps finally realizing there were elements out of your control - you are
confirming psychiatrist Ernst Kris' sage observation: "What was once feared and
is now mastered is laughed at." And as the Stress Doc inverted: "What was once
feared and is now laughed at is no longer a master!"
5. Be an Accessible, Self-Effacing and Spirited Leader. The best
leaders understand that you don't only command by dazzling people from the
mountaintop; coming back down to earth, sharing your flaws and foibles, not only
confirms your humanity and courage but makes you an individual people both can
relate to and respect. And sharing a laugh at your own expense may also prove a
wise and confident investment. It's a feisty strategy for deflecting those
critical slings and arrows: "Ha, I can poke fun of myself a lot better than you
ever can!"
Closing Summary
In closing, four key meanings-manifestations of "letting go" have been
presented. The first three initially appeared in Part I of this two-part
series, and are summarized above: 1) Emotional Acceptance and Open-Mindedness,
2) Personal Defeat and Defensiveness, and 3) Precursor to Losing Control. And
the final usage is the focus of this essay - 4) Willingness to Risk, Reveal and
Explore. And the latter was illustrated by the small group exercise: "Share an
Embarrassing Moment" along with five benefits resulting from such an exchange:
1) Engage in Rapid and Risky, Intimate and Mutual Sharing, 2) Accept our
Imperfections, 3) Embellish Your Story, 4) Affirm Courage and Mastery, 5) Be an
Accessible, Self-Effacing and Spirited Leader. Surely, learning to courageously
and maturely "let go" will enhance personal freedom, build interpersonal bridges
and help one and all…Practice Safe Stress!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™,
a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is a one-of-a-kind "Motivational Humorist &
Team Communication Catalyst." The "Doc" is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff
speaker known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN speaking and
workshop programs. The "Stress Doc" is also a team building and organizational
development consultant for a variety of govt. agencies, corporations and
non-profits. And he is AOL's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Mark is an Adjunct
Professor at Northern VA (NOVA) Community College and currently he is leading
"Stress, Team Building and Humor" programs for the 1st Cavalry and 4th Infantry
Divisions and Brigades, at Ft. Hood, Texas and Ft. Leonard Wood, MO. A former
Stress and Conflict Consultant for the US Postal Service, the Stress Doc is the
author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger.
See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com
-- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more
info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free
e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
(c) Mark Gorkin 2010
Shrink Rap™ Productions