The Stress Doc Letter
Cybernotes from the Online Psychohumorist (tm)
December 1998, No. 2
Dear Readers. By popular demand, here is your gumbo of the sublime, the spicy and the
ridiculous: a tasty mix of my writings along with humor jokes, lists and other sparkling
entities that have descended from cyberspace. For more articles on a variety of psychology
topics, try these links: www.stressdoc.com or on AOL -- <A
HREF="www.stressdoc.com">STRESSDOC HOMEPAGE </A> or Keyword: Stress
Doc, <A HREF="aol://4344:972.doc.1264535.556723207"> The Stress Doc @
Online Psych</A> . And here's an AOL link with with series of articles on
downsizing, layoffs and career transition, <A
HREF="aol://4344:972.docwork.1255066.562088752">The Stress Doc Interview @
Online Psych</A> .
If you know others who would like to receive "The Stress Doc Newsletter,"
please pass their names along. (AOL subscription link <A
HREF="aol://1391:43-61027">form driven mail</A> .) And, if you wish not
to receive the newsletter, just email me with, "unsubscribe."
The Stress Doc goes with the holiday flow, drawing upon readers' heartfelt musings to
his holiday newsletter. From poignant loss to passionate living, savor this generous gift
of distinctive individuality and shared humanity.
Readers Respond to Holiday Stress
The holiday newsletter elicited a poignant, passionate and playful mix from readers. It
was so tasty, I wanted to share this generous gumbo with you. Topics include: a)
reflections on a transformative year, b) thoughts of a recently deceased loved one, c)
concern about the lack of reciprocity in family communication, d) a poetic image of love
countered by some irreverent mother-in-law musings, e) loving play between mother and
daughter along with ponderings about poppa and panda, and f) a tiding of comfort and joy.
Dear MARK, Last MAY I wrote to you with much unhappiness and a heavy heart. I lost my
Favorite Aunt to Death and my Job. I hit FIFTY and put myself in a place working where I
did not need to keep challanging myself.
I took some good advice and got some help. Being fifty isn't so bad. I STARTED A NEW
Business. I HAVE BEEN TAKING a course called PSI seminars and I am on my way to Being who
I am. Listening more clearly to people, enjoying my life and being the best that I can be!
Contributing something back to society with out asking back and not counting how many
deeds I DID that were goooooood............. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ADVICE. You told me that I
needed to get some help and I did!!!!! HAVE an awsome holiday !!!!!!! SHARON LAIRD
(Editor's Note: If you have a question, assuming the time and energy, I will try to
answer your email. Send to email@example.com .)
Dear SD, Thanks for your Dec. Newsletter. It is Monday morning and I was thinking of my
companion of many years who died Aug. lst and feeling a lot down. I am going to his
sister's house for Christmas with my kids which we did every year (l7) and he will not be
there. Talk about holiday blues. He was R. C. and I'm Jewish and I enjoyed the day very
much. I was worrying about being a boiled potato because I miss him so much and after
reading your newsletter the feeling I got was that it is OK. I loved the Dec. letter and
all of them. You are great. Happy holidays, Astern
Thanks Doc for the newsletter! I really enjoyed "I Can't Remember"!!!! Sounds
exactly like me. LOL!! However, I need to send this to my family and friends in Michigan!
Seems like I am doing all of the writing and not getting any replies. It seems writing is
a lost art nowadays!
I have learned long ago not to let the holidays make me stressful. I make a small list
of what I am going to give and only charge what I can pay off by Feb.!
Thanks again for the newsletter! Juice
Very touching newsletter today about holidays. There's so many hues and moods to
holiday's yet prevailing is laughter at the stress and humor at people arriving from
Euribias aka down under LOL. But in the end tis just a laughin one must do at what we try
so hard to make the season be. When all it takes is love, laughter, and tolerance, and
charity. Then in some cases the better part of valor is to get thee to a far away place
out of town; for the better part of valor is to run like hell if nothing else works...
Stress you bet there is stress. Some good and totally amusing and some sad for some of my
family. But all will go well. Of this I'm positive because love is the the ribbon that
ties us all together no matter where we are,together or naye. And when one in the family
gets news that the mother-in-law from Hell is coming not only to test your marriage to the
limits and make all around including her son generally miserable, and this we know because
divorce was almost a done deal two times she visited before. One knows friends and family
will rally and help them thru it...Perhaps it's Satan that makes her do those things she
does so well. Enough. Love will win the day if laughter holds its hand.and the people in
your family hold yours . Tis a happy holiday season , challenges, stresses, and all. Maybe
I'll go to the bahamas this year. LOL
My dear friend, another wonderful newsletter....how very much I love this time of
year..... Katie and I put the tree up this year.... and we shared so much laughter ...she
straddled the tree and sat on it outside while I tried to saw the bottom even.... that's
after we got it un-stuck from the trunk of the car..... and after we put it up, it was
going down.... W grabbed it.... tried moving it a half inch at the bottom, but moved it an
inch and half...going down the other way!!!!!.... grabbed it again.... we held, we edged
the bottom over.... very carefully and slowly let go of it, and voila!!!, it stood
up!!!!...until I decided I needed to turn it just a little...... going down again..... but
we finally got it to stand straight and tied it with red ribbon to the bannister to steady
it since the cats were extremely interested in it..... yesterday, before I drove her back,
we managed to decorate most of it.... a wonderful weekend full of real Christmas
spirit.... I always tried to show the girls what Christmas really means... it isn't
presents and stress.... it's calm and love and sharing and remembering the real reason for
I fight my own ghosts at this time of year Mark... Christmas 1957 the doctors allowed
my dad to come home from the hospital for a few days... he went back to the hospital and
died the following March... my brother gave me a tall stand up panda bear that year... the
bear still stands in my bedroom next to the rocking chair my dad would rock me in as we
watched Nat King Cole and Perry Como.... you would have loved my dad Mark... he was so
warm and caring.... a person with a warm heart and sharing soul.... how much I still miss
him, and still can't listen to "I'll Be Home For Christmas" without tears
filling my eyes thinking of him.... but Mark, this is a magical time of year where the
impossible becomes probable and love should fill the being.... oh gosh... rambling... I've
been accused of being a Pollyanna... I don't think so... maybe my dad lives through me ...
quiet smiles.... Barb
From: Fabulous M
Just wanted to say a heart-y Thanks for the Holiday Newsletter! I loved the jokes about
the family vis a vis blues v. stress; the characterization of St. Nick as a dysfunctional,
over-eating role model for the holiday, your apt advice on "presence, not
presents" and the wonderful lines from readers at the end.
You are a national treasure, and I want you to know how much I've appreciated all your
mailings this past year, especially this one, but not to overlook the poignant
self-disclosures around Prozac and the Tales of Sun and Moon.
I wish for you the very things you work so diligently to help others discover: peace,
well-being and joy of living. Lots of love to you, every day of the year,
(I'll be sending a new stress management associate to your web pages soon!)
(Ed. Note: Aw shucks ;-). Thank you all for your thought and caring. And for any missed
newsletters or articles, just email.)
For all, a graceful and joyful holiday!
The Stress Doc Newsletter The Higher Power of Humor Section...
The second section will consist of humor material that filters down from cyberspace.
Since the above letters all came from women, they get the chance to strut their stuff. Do
I play favorites?...You bet I do!
Women's Words/Women's Worlds From: Bogie 361
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also
know that I'm not blonde. --- Dolly Parton
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with
a dumb guy. ---- Erica Jong
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in
labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours. ----
I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job. ----
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin
our carpet or ruin our lives. ---- Rita Rudner
I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun,
until we ran out of quarters. ----- Susie Loucks
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. ---- Wendy Liebman
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth to. ---- Erma Bombeck
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. ---- Roseanne
I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms
instead. ---- Sue Kolinsky
I look just like the girls next door... if you happen to live next door to an amusement
park. ----- Dolly Parton
I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold
in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT? --- Wendy Liebman
I think-therefore I'm single. ---- Lizz Winstead
"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another
"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." --- Gilda Radner
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." --- Maryon Pearson
"Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant
professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male
schlemiel." --- Bella Abzug
"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask
a woman." --- Margaret Thatcher
"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a
career." --- Gloria Steinem
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live
next door and just visit now and then." --- Katharine Hepburn
"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer
the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which
swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." ---- Marie Corelli
"Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths." ---- Baroness Edith
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent
is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" ---- Linda Ellerbee
"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house."
--- Zsa Zsa Gabor ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Benefits Of Older Women From: SWells1835
An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask you,
"What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think.
An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping
the guy might have one on him.
An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older
woman will sleep with you after a cup of a herbal tea.
The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a man gets, the
weaker his libido gets... which is why nature intended young guys to go out with older
women and young women to go out with older men.
An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she
just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible shoes.
(Ed. Note. I have to question this one. About a dozen years ago I appeared as a guest
expert on cable television. The program was a gumbo of talk show and infomercial called,
"The Yvonne La Fleur Show: The Boutique for the Sensual Southern Belle." (Or
something like that.) Naturally, this occurred dueing my creative exile in New Orleans.
Anyway, my topic: "The Psychology of Women's Shoes." Hey, I discovered every
woman has a shoe story. And, the absurdity of the moment inspired my first blues number
(precursor to my pioneering work in the field of psychologically humorous rap music -
"Shrink Rap" Productions). Here it is: "That New Pair of Shoes."
Well you got the blues, still you just can't lose Cause your ready to cruise in your
new pair of shoes.
Now you've paid your dues, so your feet can choose To amuse or make news, in those new
pair of shoes.
Don't let them confuse your personal views There's only one muse; Yvonne La Fleur
Needless to say, Yvonne and the camera crew went wild. ;-)
An older woman is into free sex! An older woman is almost always already attached to
someone, so there's no need to develop a phobia about committing to her. The last thing
she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent man.
Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an asshole if
you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might
break up with her.
An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the two of you get
married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you will probably be the last to
Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you when your teeth
get knocked out playing hockey.
An older woman will never accuse you of "using her." She's using you!
Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you up and ask you
for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call...
Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut Take Out.
An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid
her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get any ideas...
Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow
they always know.
Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired
from admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear underpants at all, thus
practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.
An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for a meal. Younger women are
too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they might possibly boff later.
Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the
middle of the night in a public park.
Older women are experienced. They understand that sometimes, after 12 beers, a boy just
can't get it up. A younger woman may need some time to grasp this fact.
An older woman has lots of girlfriends... and most of them will want to screw you too.
An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an amusement
An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because
chances are someone else has stolen them first.
Seek the higher power of humor...May the Farce Be with You!
And, of course...Practice Safe Stress!
Mark Gorkin, "The Stress Doc," Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is a
nationally recognized speaker, workshop leader and author on stress, reorganizational
change, anger, team building, creativity and humor. He is also the internet's and the
nation's leading "Psychohumorist." The Stress Doc is a columnist for the popular
cyber-newsletter, Humor From The Edge . Mark is also the "Online Psychohumorist"
for the major AOL mental health resource network, Online Psych and Financial Services
Journal Online -- http://fsc.fsonline.com/fsj . And he is an offline writer for two mental
health/substance abuse publications -- Treatment Today and Paradigm Magazine. His motto:
Have Stress? Will Travel: A Smart Mouth for Hire! Reach "The Doc" at (202)
232-8662, email: Stress Doc@aol.com, or check out his "Hot Site" website:
http://www.stressdoc.com . (The site was selected as a USA Today Online "Hot
Site" and designated a four-star, top-rated site by Mental Health Net.)
(c) Mark Gorkin 1998 Shrink Rap Productions