The Stress Doc's Q & A
Love & Relationships

A Love and Relationship Q & A. Thanks, Mark

Ask the Stress Doc: AOL/Digital City--Washington, DC Love and Relationship

1) When Online Fantasy Baseball Is a Real Problem: Confronting the Cyberaddict.

Q. Dear Doc, my husband sits in front of the computer whenever he can, online, doing fantasy baseball. He doesn't realize how much time he is there. I've told him how I feel, that he is neglecting me and the kids and leaving all household responsibilities to me. He does admit that he has a problem, but this awareness doesn't seem to stop him. He's good for a week or two after I freak out on him, and then like an alcoholic, he starts to slip back, staying up until 2 in the morning, then getting up at 5 in the morning to play fantasy baseball again, before going to work! He's fairly perfect in every other way, but I can't live with this. What should I say or do that I am not saying or doing now??

A. As I suspect you realize, addictive behavior online is a growing problem. From fantasy baseball and credit card abuse to all night chat prowling and online-offline extramarital escapes cyberspace seduction can be hard to resist...Especially if there's a susceptible individual. Such a vulnerable person: a) exhibits other addictive or compulsive behavior, e.g., excess drinking, gambling, eating, etc., b) often self-isolates, c) tends to bottle up his or her emotions, d) may be overtly depressed or the depression may be unrecognized, e) may use risk-taking or escapist behavior to regulate if not self-medicate an agitated and/or depressed mood cycle, f) tries to numb recent losses, traumas, painful memories or burnout states, and g) may be avoiding confronting unhappiness or may be afraid of challenging role or relationship expectations at home or at work.

Clearly, if a person is grappling with an intense case of one of these dynamics or a mixture of the above, it likely will take professional intervention to set limits on the self-defeating behavior. It's a pattern that also threatens the health of the family.

Now even if your husband is "fairly perfect in every other way" (the jury's still out here) he's jeopardizing his work in addition to his relationship with you. And if he can do his job on only three hours of sleep, then he's definitely understimulated and underachieving professionally. (Maybe he feels unfulfilled job-or career-wise.)

To truly get and sustain his attention, you likely will need to connect with the "higher power" of a healing alliance. This can be achieved by: 1) announcing your intention of seeking individual psychotherapy because of your serious upset about his addictive behavior, that you are frustrated by your inability to reach and help your husband, that you feel helpless and powerless, and that you fear for your health, his health and the health of the marriage. In other words let go of trying to change him and concentrate on strengthening yourself. Find a therapist who at least has experience working with addictive personalities if not a cyberaddictions specialist, 2) attend a 12-step, AA-type group, like Codependents Anonymous (CODA) and 3) with the coaching, if not the direct help of a professional, consider going a group intervention. Assemble a variety of people who care about your husband and who are worried or upset by his destructive behavior. Besides yourself, this collection may consist of extended family, friends, colleagues, etc. Sometimes it takes a unified chorus of concern and confrontation to break through denial. Hopefully, with this group jolt he too will start...Practicing Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, LICSW, the Stress Doc, a psychotherapist and nationally recognized speaker, trainer, consultant and author, is also known as AOL's and the internet's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Check out his USA Today Online "Hot Site" website - www.stressdoc.com  and his page on AOL/Online Psych, Keyword: Stress Doc

** Join the Doc's "Shrink Rap and Group Chat" on AOL/Digital City, Tuesdays, 9-10:30pm EDT (AOL Members Only) -- Dig City Promo - Stress Doc.

** Special Announcement: For all cyberspace travelers, there's the new Ask the Stress Doc Q & A -- Love and Relationships  ...Check it out; send in your Qs.

** Also, Ask the Stress Doc Work Stress Q & A  Also, check the Doc's Work Stress Q & A archive.

** The Stress Doc's Work Stress Q&A  -- Ask the Stress Doc  is now featured on six Portals to the Web, including

1. Netscape Netcenter  
2. Compuserve
3. Digital City - Tell The Stress Doc
4. Digital City - Love & Relationship Q&A
5. MCI
6. AOL.COM Washington, DC - Home