Ask the Stress Doc -- Q & A
Love & Relationships

1) Should a Loving Couple Part Over Parenthood?

Q. I am involved with someone that I really love very much. I am 42 and he is 40. We both have fun together and we're always laughing. We can talk about anything. I have been married 3 times and have two grown children and 2 grandchildren. I am ready to start enjoying life. He has never been married nor does he have children. When I met him in October of 1998, he told me he wants a child. I told him I was not able to have children due to a hysterectomy. If he wanted children, then he needed to move on. He did not move on and now I have lost my heart to him. Now he's saying he really wants a son, is confused and doesn't know what to do because he loves me. I have asked him to leave me alone, and we will not talk to each other for about a week and then we both give in because we miss each other. He tells me he doesn't want to hurt me. I am having a really hard time of letting go of him, because I keep praying he will change his mind and give up the idea of having a child.

A. Certainly sounds like you two have a special connection and, obviously, a very different life history. First, I'd want to make sure he's not covering a fear of commitment and marriage with his desires for fatherhood. Assuming he's not, then I would strongly encourage his getting into therapy to help him sort out his ultimate priority: continuing to evolve and deepen that special bond with you or to let go, attempt to find another with whom he can generate both love and his own family.

>From your comment about being "ready to start enjoying life," it appears adoption is not a possibility. On the other hand, if you become ongoing partners, perhaps he might develop a real bond with your grandchildren -- from single to grandpop in one fateful (not fatal) leap.

Of course, you may need to enter counseling or a 12-step codependency group, like Codependents Anonymous (sounds like you both would benefit) to engage your own dysfunctional patterns and to keep away from your beau long enough to give him a clear message: face and resolve your conflicting priorities. You need to give him room to search his soul. this is the only way to discover if you are to be lasting soulmates.

Mark Gorkin, LICSW, the Stress Doc, a psychotherapist and nationally recognized speaker, trainer, consultant and author, is also known as AOL's and the internet's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Check out his USA Today Online "Hot Site" website - www.stressdoc.com  and his page on AOL/Online Psych, Keyword: Stress Doc

** Join the Doc's "Shrink Rap and Group Chat" on AOL/Digital City, Tuesdays, 9-10:30pm EDT (AOL Members Only) -- Dig City Promo - Stress Doc.

** Special Announcement: For all cyberspace travelers, there's the new Ask the Stress Doc Q & A -- Love and Relationships  ...Check it out; send in your Qs.

** Also, Ask the Stress Doc Work Stress Q & A  Also, check the Doc's Work Stress Q & A archive.

** The Stress Doc's Work Stress Q&A  -- Ask the Stress Doc  is now featured on six Portals to the Web, including

1. Netscape Netcenter  
2. Compuserve
3. Digital City - Tell The Stress Doc
4. Digital City - Love & Relationship Q&A
5. MCI
6. AOL.COM Washington, DC - Home