Ask the Stress Doc -- Q & A

1) Single Working Mom Stress
2) Selection vs. Perfection as a Student

Q. It is SO hard being a single Mom of two boys and working. If the kids aren't driving me crazy, the job is! Prozac doesn't work anymore -- tastes like candy to me, alcohol -- don't think they make that much in the world to drown out my sorrows! Where is that good looking rich man, everyone keeps telling me about? Someone to come into my life and take me away from all of this?

A. SWM -- Single Working Mom...talk about stress! There are no easy answers...and Cinderella didn't have kids to worry about. So the good looking rich man on the horse fantasy...is likely just that; especially when you're not all quite in position. The key is getting support for yourself, getting help with the kids and, if possible, a career path that allows for growth and more financial stability. Quite a hat trick! some suggestions:

1) How about carving out a little free time to attend a single parents support group? (I can just hear the response: "I'm too rushed and stretched for a support group." Not unlike the folks in an organization who are too stressed to attend one of my seminars ;-) The Women's Center of Vienna, VA comes to mind. Or join my AOL/Digital City-Washington online support group, "Shrink Rap and Group Chat" <A HREF="aol://4344:2993.chat.31195386.586807274"> Washington LIVE CHAT</A> . We have a number of SWMs. Also, are there any family members that can watch the boys? Or maybe tradeoff time with another friend/SWM. Of course, getting dad more involved with the boys would be a big relief; then again, that may be another fantasy. 2) If the kids are truly getting to you, the Prozac's not helping and you're contemplating the bottle, then I'd get some counseling -- again, from the Women's Center or from your local united Way Family Counseling Agency or Catholic Charities. Also, any chance you and the boys could join a YMCA and physically workout some of the stress in a gym or swimming pool? Another helpful technique, is learning to come up with family rules for taking a time out. I like making a tee hand signal. So when the anger is building, you can break into the escalation and constructively regain control. 3) Finally, try exploring areas of job training for career advancement. And if your current position doesn't provide opportunities, begin looking for jobs/careers that might. I do workshops with people who have been downsized or outplaced. Many adults are getting retrained and retooled in the Information Technology field. Also, many local governments are developing job retraining programs. To good adventures and, of course...Practice Safe Stress!

Q. Dear Stress Doc, Although I don't work, I was curious to whether you could help me. I'm a Student at Montgomery Blair High School and a Magnet. I'm getting so much homework these days I'm about to pull out my hair. I have "It's Academic" practices every Tues. and Thurs. I have a major piano performance for magnet arts night this Friday. I have English and History papers due. I have a whole weeks worth of Chemistry and PreCal homework due. I have tests to study for too. It seems like I don't have the time to do anything. I come home and I just want to sleep. By sleeping, I end up working even later into the night and therefore being tired in the morning and the cycle starts all over again. I need all of these activities as they're important to me and my life. I feel pressured like crazy to do get straight "A's." I'm not going to start taking drugs or anything to loosen the tension. I've really tried talking to my parents but it isn't working. what should I do?

A. One of the hardest lessons to learn when a high achiever in school (or, alas, also in work) is the importance of "selective perfectionism," especially if you "need" to do all these important activities. Actually, selection vs. perfectionism is also an issue. Realizing you may not be able to do it all perfectly is a big step on the road to maturity, creativity and self- acceptance. Trying to do too many tasks often thwarts mastery of or quality in the key ones. And this kind of prolonged frustration can lead to stress and depression. For example, your strong desire to tune out through sleep sounds like a warning signal. My suggestions:

1) Allow yourself one or two courses to get a B or B+ while concentrating your greatest effort and goal achievement on three or four activities, i.e., selective perfectionism. 2) Consider, however painful, that you may not be able to do it all; learn to let go. For example, recently, with "Ask the Stress Doc" being featured on five web portals I've had to struggle with the reality that I can't answer personally and at length all of my email. (I now send out a brief personal response with helpful articles and resources.) 3) Speak to a teacher, school social worker, etc., at school to help you set realistically high priorities and goals to derail your current driven burnout- seeking process. (Email for my four stages of burnout and stress tips.) Please...Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, LICSW, the Stress Doc, a psychotherapist and nationally recognized speaker, trainer, consultant and author, is also known as AOL's and the internet's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Check out his USA Today Online "Hot Site" website - www.stressdoc.com  and his page on AOL/Online Psych, Keyword: Stress Doc

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