Ask the Stress Doc -- Q & A

Ask the Stress Doc Q & A/Digital City--Washington, DC

1) Coping with Multiple Rape Traumas

Q. I really am not sure where to begin. I came from a happy home, even though my parents were divorced. I started college three years ago. My first semester I was raped-date rape, alcohol related. I moved on with my life, two months later, I got married (I eloped). I continued to go to college (a different college). Nine months into my marriage, I got pregnant, then miscarried. I still tried to move on in life and continued college. Almost three years after the first rape, I was raped again about a month ago. This is where I feel like I am going literally crazy. I reported this one to the police, but I think that was a bad idea. I can't handle the stress this has brought on! I am in the ROTC in college, and I feel like I am failing there. I may have ended up failing one or more of my classes this past semester, (which I have never done) and I only have two semesters left of college. I would hate myself if I gave up. I have to finish school. I just need help rearranging my life.

A. I suspect you are struggling with post-traumatic stress. There's the horror of the rape, then the added anxiety, if not trauma, of the police investigation, especially if not handled sensitively. Also, if you were intoxicated on the date rape, then you may have guilt feelings about your "contributory negligence." Remember, even if you had too much to drink, you weren't "asking for it," you weren't asking to be raped!

And the second rape can also stir unresolved grief around your miscarriage. (Sounds like you may have not fully grieved, but tried to move on.) Now I'm not sure where your marriage comes in regarding the sequence of rapes. But I'm sure this is also tortuous for your husband. (I wonder how the two of you are doing in light of all the past and present trials.) Obviously, all this makes concentrated study very difficult. My strong recommendations: 1) Get some individual counseling with a woman who has expertise in rape/sexual abuse and, perhaps, with women who have miscarried 2) Next, some couple counseling to help you and your husband cope with the traumas; your local United Way Family Counseling Agency may be a good resource or a Women's Center, as we have in Northern Virginia; such a center may also have a rape support group, and 3) Speak with your professors, without going into great detail about the adversities; perhaps your counselor can explain why you are having such a hard time academically to school administrators. Taking incompletes for the semester may be a reasonable alternative to failures. Please don't allow shame or unfinished grief about the rapes, the miscarriage or your disrupted school performance keep you from getting the help that you need and deserve.

Mark Gorkin, LICSW, the Stress Doc, a psychotherapist and nationally recognized speaker, trainer, consultant and author, is also known as AOL's and the internet's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Check out his USA Today Online "Hot Site" website - www.stressdoc.com  and his page on AOL/Online Psych, Keyword: Stress Doc

** Join the Doc's "Shrink Rap and Group Chat" on AOL/Digital City, Tuesdays, 9-10:30pm EDT (AOL Members Only) -- Dig City Promo - Stress Doc.

** The Stress Doc's Work Stress Q&A  -- Ask the Stress Doc  is now featured on six Portals to the Web, including

1. Netscape Netcenter  
2. Compuserve
3. Digital City - Tell The Stress Doc
4. Digital City - Love & Relationship Q&A
5. MCI
6. AOL.COM Washington, DC - Home

All five portal links can be shared with and are operational for both users of AOL and the Internet.