Ask the Stress Doc -- Q & A

1) The Pursuit and Value of Money: Actual or Virtual Security?
2) Post-Traumatic Violence and Mother-Son Boundaries

Q. Doc, I own a recovery service in Florida, owned it for three years now and it is tearing my family apart..I've told my wife that I wanted out but she says,"What else can we do that we'll make the same kind of money?" It makes me feel like all she is worried about is the money! I am running out of energy, my beautiful two and a half year old daughter is really the only thing that keeps my mind straight and focused. I was raised in a broken home and I know what kind of damage that can do to a child. I don't want that to happen to mine. What should I do????? Thanks for your time.

A. I'm hearing several different conflicts: a) money as the instrument and symbol of security vs. the path of exhaustion, burnout and relationship misery, b) the possibility of family of origin issues regarding financial security in light of a broken home and/or hard-scrabble existence, c) who comes first -- your wife and business and/or your daughter. In addition, while it's good your daughter helps keep your head on straight, I think you'd make a better case with your wife by speaking from your own sense of integrity. Your "running out of energy" sounds like burnout and, if not addressed, can lead to depression and other stress-related disorders. (Email for my popular essay, "The Four Stages of Burnout.") So perhaps your wife won't feel your are putting your concern's about your daughter over her needs. First and foremost is health and self-preservation.

Because money touches so many emotional hot buttons -- past and present -- I'd strongly suggest couple counseling. (Your local United Way Family Counseling Agency or Catholic Charities provides sliding scale services.) Hopefully, by working through unresolved family issues and real life anxieties; understanding the importance of having energy and vitality for work and mutually negotiating a short-and long range career/family plan your wife may learn that true security requires more than money. For a couple it involves an ability to share vulnerabilities, to negotiate options, to be supportive of each person's needs for survival, autonomy and intimacy. Get help with the burnout; don't panic and impulsively run away from the business; together work out a solid exit strategy.

Q. I was molested when I was younger by my dad & my son has a bullet in his head from a drive by. There are times when he wants to hug me all the time or just stick around me. I can't move. I don't want to hurt his feelings but it brings back flashbacks all the time. How should I handle it? (My son is 25 years old & weighs 295.)

A. Sounds like there's an approach-avoidance conflict: a) you personally know the trauma, if not horror, of molestation and b) as you indicate some reliving of your trauma when relating closely with your son, who was also an innocent victim of a traumatic episode. While you mention your flashbacks, I'm not sure you are sufficiently focused on your son's developmentally questionable behavior. Has the shooting left him disabled and/or organically brain damaged? Is he able to work or attend school?

I strongly suggest you two get some joint counseling to help foster a healthier psychological boundary of closeness and independence. I wonder if guilt feelings at not being able to prevent his terrible injury contributes to codependency and setting better limits for you both. (Your mentioning his weight leads me to suspect this is an additional sign of a psychological-medical problem.) And finally, for yourself, I would seek out a women's sexual abuse support group. By supportively confronting these post-traumatic stress effects with people who've been there you will feel less fearful and ashamed. And, most important, you'll have more energy and understanding for sharing a love based on a vital balance of intimacy and autonomy. It's a balance and a boundary that's no longer the victim of past tragic events!

And to all, just remember...Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, LICSW, the Stress Doc, a psychotherapist and nationally recognized speaker, trainer, consultant and author, is also known as AOL's and the internet's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Check out his USA Today Online "Hot Site" website - www.stressdoc.com  and his page on AOL/Online Psych, Keyword: Stress Doc

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