Ask the Stress Doc -- Q & A

1) The Self-Defeating Danger of Being a Too Nice SHE MAN
2) No Control Over Billable Hours

Q. I think my coworkers (boss included) take me for granted. I'm the administrative assistant/office manager for a professional baseball club. My desk seems to be the property of everyone in the office. My desk tends to attract anything from cups to tools to muddy sneakers. I literally have pens pulled out of my hands so someone can use them. My boss carries on conversations with me while I'm on the phone with a customer. As I'm writing this, my boss has called me at home to ask me a work-related question. This is the FOURTH time in three days. Yesterday, was Easter Sunday and another coworker called me twice on a work-related issue. How can I tactfully tell them how rude they are without upsetting anyone? I had the opportunity to discuss this problem with my coworkers today, at our staff meeting, but guess what--I didn't. I am also the type of person who never wants to offend anyone and wants to get along with everyone. I may want to mention, my coworkers are very "cliquish."

A. I'm not going to address the first part of your letter for that will be resolved one way or the other if you confront the truly dysfunctional last three lines. (Though I'd be tempted to hand the phone to your boss while he's interrupting you.) Believe me, you are being more disrespectful to yourself and hurting yourself even more than those aggressive, invasive and selfishly immature bosses and colleagues. How did you get burdened with what I call the Savior Syndrome: either needing to rescue all or believing you should never offend anyone? I call this persona the SHE MAN (who can be male or female). The "S" stands for Savior, the person who is too nice, who is always accommodating others or avoiding conflict. The "H" and "E" relate to underlying dynamics that contribute to this self-denying behavior: feelings of "Humiliation" and "Emptiness." (Email <A HREF="mailto: StressDoc@aol.com">Stress Doc@aol.com</A> for related articles. Often, some history of emotional or physical abuse fosters this self-rejecting pattern.) I prefer Freud over Shakespeare here: "Get thee to some psychotherapy!" You need to understand the family of origin, adolescent peer group, spousal abuse and/or rigid religious socialization dynamics, etc., that may have contributed to your victim state. Might also try a 12-step group, e.g., Codependents Anonymous (CODA) or join an assertiveness or anger management group. Make this your "Year of Living Dangerously": Learn to Set Boundaries and to Practice Safe Stress!

Q. I work for a boss who demands we bill out 13 hours of chargeable time a day even when we have enough work for about a third of that. During the inevitable slowdowns in business there is no adjustment to the required production even though we aren't in sales and therefore have no influence over how much work comes in. And when a client complains about the bill guess who they point the finger at. I'm not ready to go postal but one of these days someone may.

A. Sounds like a formula for frustration and helplessness -- high demand and little control! Some suggestions:

1. Is there any possibility of strength in numbers? You imply you are not the only one on a short fuse. What if a group of employees approached the boss from a constructive perspective: let's brainstorm ways we can generate more business> short of that, I'd go for working less hours rather than being bashed by the boss of by clients who feel cheated. Several years back, I recall a postal employee who, in response to the ongoing major reorganization, used the career uncertainty as a wakeup call. For the longest time he had wanted to start a seafood business, but had gotten lazy and comfy with his job security. Now he realized he could no longer count on total financial security from the Postal Service. Our protagonist didn't leave right away; but he did lay down the groundwork for becoming self-employed. Maybe it's time to channel that anger in more creative and risk-taking activities. Or, at list in another billable milieu. Staying in the current climate will induce burnout and deaden your spirit -- the inverse of going postal! Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, LICSW, the Stress Doc, a psychotherapist and nationally recognized speaker, trainer, consultant and author, is also known as AOL's and the internet's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Check out his USA Today Online "Hot Site" website - www.stressdoc.com  and his page on AOL/Online Psych, Keyword: Stress Doc

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