Ask the Stress Doc -- Q & A

1. Swamped School Nurse
2. Opening Closed Minds
3. Surviving a Downsizing

Q. I am a school nurse where there are 541 children. All teachers tell the children, "Go to the nurse." Many illness and injury are from home. Parents tell the sick children, "Go to the nurse." The nurse is about to run away from school. lol.

A. Maybe the administration should call a meeting with you and the teachers to explain when kids should be sent to the nurse and when they shouldn't. Perhaps something similar needs to be done with Parent-Teachers Assn. Also, I recall North Carolina is setting up comprehensive clinics in schools so that the kids could get some emotional counseling for stress that was contributing to their medical problems.

Maybe it's an advocacy and funding issue.

And be careful of burnout in this situation, as I suspect you know.

And the emailer's quick responded to my reply:

Thank you for the suggestion, I will try it. Many of the school nurses have the same problem. Maybe your suggestion could help them also. Your news letter would be appreciated.

Q. DEAR DOC, THERE ARE SO MANY CLOSED MINDED PEOPLE OUT THERE! PLS. SEND ME YOUR ART OF LISTENING LETTER. THANKS 1¢

A. Alas, there are many folks who believe they have all the answers. Even online Stress Docs have to be careful. I once captured the dilemma in a "Shrink Rap" (TM) lyric. Here's the opening and closing from "The Self- Righteous Rap":

You didn't know life is all right or wrong? You're victor or victim or just don't belong There is no question, life's but black or white For get ambiguity when hooked on Freud-lite.

What happened to subtlety and shades of gray The world's drinking and shrinking its brain cells away The rage that's stirred by mental oppression Compels this Shrink Rap regression confession...

So if life's a soap opera: "As the Head Swells" No need to be walking on those ego shells. When the righteous start ranting they're all of a kind The bigger the ego the smaller the mind! (Email for the entire lyric)

French author, Andre Gide, in his book The Immoralist, frames the issue most succinctly: "One must allow others to be right, it consoles them for not being anything else!"

Anyway, here's the article you requested:

Listening, Learning and Leading Technical Skill and Motivational Art

There are several ways to enhance listening effectiveness, especially in an emotionally charged exchange. A fundamental technique is "Active Listening" with its four components: 1) Clarifying. Asking the other party to provide more information, to elaborate upon their statement or answer specific questions, 2) Paraphrasing. Repeating the other's message in the person's words or your own words, to affirm that "message sent is message received," 3) Reflecting Feelings. Inquiring about or acknowledging overt or underlying feelings that are attached to the other party's communication; a tentative or tactful approach is often best: "I know you are on board, still it sounds like you have some frustration with the decision. Care to discuss it?" Also, especially regarding the emotional component of messages, both listening and looking for verbal and nonverbal cues - voice tone and volume, facial and other bodily gestures, eye contact and physical distance -- will facilitate more accurate reflection. And, 4) Summarizing. Reviewing and pulling together such problem-solving elements as mutual agreements, outstanding differences -- factual as well as emotional -- action plans to be executed, time frames and follow-up.

Yet effective listening is not just a technical skill. It is also an art form and a motivational bridge for learning about team members, modeling being a leader and, ultimately, sharing leadership with others. Here are three listening and leadership concepts I strive to uphold in decision-making and dealing with conflict: ** Demonstrating an understanding of people's positions and predicaments, pains and passions ** Reducing, whenever possible, the obvious status and power differential between yourself and other(s) ** Enabling people to accept gracefully their vulnerabilities, errors and imperfections.

And, if I can recognize any humorous aspects or stimulate some laughs by poking good-natured fun at myself, at my partner in conflict or, even, our power struggle...so much the better. Let me illustrate through my work with a small department of the Peace Corps. Tensions were increasing between a new senior staffer and a veteran regarding qualifications and promotion issues. And both were angry with the Director for her inability to resolve their conflict. Almost everyone in the office was walking around on "ego shells." Upon the recommendation of two staffers whom I had previously trained, the group reluctantly agreed to hire me as a consultant.

The Director, herself, did some Organizational Development work. Her pride was a bit wounded that an outside specialist was needed to tackle the in-house conflicts. The Director had announced that she wouldn't stand in my way, but she wasn't going out of her way to help me, either. (Not surprisingly, the intractable interpersonal issues were taking a toll. She was pretty burnt out.) Nonetheless, the Director was true to her word. She didn't sabotage my interventions which, gradually, started paying dividends.

One day, the Director acknowledged that laughter had returned to the halls. She then invited me into her office for our first one-on-one discussion. The Director immediately commented that I was "a really good listener." This had not been an easy step for her, especially in light of the competitive issues. I wanted the Director to know how "big" I felt her acknowledgment was. I pounced on the "good listener" compliment. After thanking her, I said, "You know, a high school French teacher helped me develop that skill. This was when I was down on myself, my life, including school and French class. The professor, Monsieur Gaston, during class unexpectedly addressed me: 'Monsieur Gorkin, I don't understand the problem...You have such intelligent looking ears.' So to achieve some balance between form and function (and to prevent future public humiliation) I guess I developed my listening skills." Well, the Director smiled broadly, then thanked me.

My personal anecdote had achieved the three aforementioned "listening and leading" objectives. First, I empathically acknowledged my own history with depressed moods and difficult periods. Second, using her compliment to poke fun at myself made me a humble winner. And finally, by helping the Director save face, she could accept my support and eventually return to her rightful active leadership position.

In summary, by practicing "Active Listening" along with the "Art of Listening" you just may transform listening into a dynamic process of learning, leading and laughing!

Q. After 25 years of faithful and loyal services for a world class company I was downsized along with 350 other coworkers. On top of that, other companies in the region are laying off hundreds of employees. What is going on with this great economy everyone is talking about? Companies no longer care about their employees. I've got kids in college, kids getting ready to go to college and an enormous amount of credit debt. The job market is narrow for older workers. I think, in fact, there is subtle age discrimination. I should have saved more money for the raining days.

A. Yes, it's still a "Lean-and-MEAN" economic world for a lot of folks, even some in the traditional middle and professional classes. Increasingly, companies are turning to contractors and temporary staff at the expense of full-time employees. Loyalty is a seriously endangered species. The downsizing experience can quickly turn into a frightsizing reality. And opportunities may be more restricted for the more senior employee. But not absolutely. Here are some suggestions: 1) As much as your finances allow, use this time not just for a job search but for a mid-life/career inventory. For example: -- Which positions or careers feel toxic; which ones feel like me or fire some keen interest if not passion? (If this question makes you realize how burnt out or depressed you are, consider a psychological or psychiatric consultation.)

2) If needed, I strongly suggest upgrading your computer skills. I know a number of "senior" folks who have been scooped up by companies who can combine business and human resources savvy, life experience along with the new technology. Of course, change is not easy. But at least there can be light at the end of the burnout tunnel.

3) Consider joining a career transition, training and support group. There are private companies in the area, like Forty +, and government programs, for example, Metro Area Reemployment Project for displaced federal employees and contractors. Email me for more info: stressdoc@aol.com .

4) And, to build up your endurance and confidence consider starting a daily exercise regimen. Also for endorphins, a few good laughs can't hurt. Email for my wicked satire on how top management may screw up a downsizing or reorganization. To hard work, inner peace and good adventures. And, of course...Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, LICSW, the Stress Doc, a psychotherapist and nationally recognized speaker, trainer, consultant and author, is also known as AOL's and the internet's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Check out his USA Today Online "Hot Site" website - www.stressdoc.com  and his page on AOL/Online Psych, Keyword: Stress Doc

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