Ask the Stress Doc -- Q & A
Love & Relationships

1) Challenging Rudeness with Tactful Assertiveness

Q. I want to get your feed back on rudeness...For the last 4 years I have been carpooling with this family to a very early am child activity. My kid and their kid at a very early age get along great. Believe it or not, they share chemistry. I believe that even kids can feel stuff like that (on their own terms, of course). The big problem in my head is that this family has always given us the very cold shoulder. Can you believe that up to this date the husband has NEVER introduced himself to me and only recently I have found out his first name? I drive their kid to school, feed him breakfast in the car and at times I even go to McD. The kids enjoy it and I enjoy it to. I get my "high" from them being together so it is not a completely empty exchange, but I hate their cold shoulder. I am a person with my own achievements as well. I am proud of what I am and of my kids, etc. Their cold shoulder, their inability to even say thank you really make me...

A. Let's assume that your assessment is correct: this guy is rude. You imply that he is a high achiever. And you also imply that his coldness has an "I'm up here and you're down there" quality. This, of course, is obnoxious in its own right. Dealing with this individual can stir up old authority struggles or, even, old feelings of competitiveness, for example, sibling rivalry issues.

Also, one needs to be careful not to fall into the "heaven's reward fallacy" trap. You are doing a good deed, thus, you deserve to be recognized and appreciated, thanked, etc. Alas, the world is populated by a good number of self-absorbed, condescending, status driven ego maniacs. (Speak to a legal secretary or paralegal.)

I'd rather use my energy by tactfully yet assertively questioning or challenging your antagonist's behavior rather than dwelling and resenting his rudeness or expecting him to have an epiphany and suddenly behave in a mature or civilized manner. For example, take the initiative: "I realize we've never introduced ourselves or even said hello despite all this time. I can't imagine you being shy. Is it possible that I make you uncomfortable, or is something making you seem detached and aloof?" Or, you might add: "I just think it's good form to greet the parent of one's child friend with an 'Hello.' I always like to see first hand what my son's parent's friend's are like. Don't you think that makes sense in light of all the craziness in our present world (Columbine, etc. ;-)

I think these questions would get his attention. The motivation needs to be allowing yourself to tactfully express your anger; it should not come from trying to revenge narcissistic injury. (Though you are allowed to have a knowing smile.) If his behavior improves, that's an unexpected occurrence or "lagniappe" as we used to say in the bayou. Just remember...Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, LICSW, the Stress Doc, a psychotherapist and nationally recognized speaker, trainer, consultant and author, is also known as AOL's and the internet's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Check out his USA Today Online "Hot Site" website - www.stressdoc.com  and his page on AOL/Online Psych, Keyword: Stress Doc

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