Ask the Stress Doc -- Q & A

1) Working Out Stress and Anger at Work
2) Coping with a Partner's Major Illness

Q. I work at a before and after school daycare program for elementary school kids. This can be a very stressful situation at times, but much preferable to working with adults in the business world. When things get too bad, we go outside for a group scream. Everyone laughs and feels much better.

A. An out of doors primal scream, turning it into a game with the kids, sounds like a wonderful "stress brake." With adults in a traditional work setting, we may need to be a tad less outrageous. Though I've had great success in the world of government and business using a discussion and drawing exercise that enables participants to poke fun and laugh at the organizational stressors and the daily encountered "stress carriers." (You know who a stress carrier is: the person who never gets ulcers, just gives them!) This seriously playful exercise in my "Practicing Safe Stress" program allows folks to: a) detach from the routine and engage in some common sharing around work stressors; folks discover they are not alone, b) playfully and energetically work off some of the frustration and/or rage, so that c) people can confront issues with less hostility and more constructive anger; there's a greater readiness for give and take, for resolving conflict and reaching genuine consensus. Email stressdoc@aol.com if you'd like more info about this exercise or about my speaking, workshop or training programs.

Q. I AM HAVING A PROBLEM COPING WITH MY HUSBAND BEING IN THE HOSPITAL. HE IS ON A VENTILATOR AND IT IS VERY HARD SEEING HIM LIKE THIS . HE HAS BEEN ON THE VENTILATOR FOR 3 AND 1/2 MONTHS. THEY ARE TRYING TO WEAN HIM OFF OF IT, BUT I GET SO DEPRESSED AND DISCOURAGED. I AM AFRAID HE MAY HAVE TO BE ON IT FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE AND, TO COMPLICATE THINGS, I HAD TO APPLY FOR MEDICAID BECAUSE OF THE EXPENSES. IT HAS BEEN VERY STRESSFUL. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU COULD SUGGEST ANYTHING THAT WOULD HELP ME COPE WITH THIS OR NOT.

A. Major illness that leaves a loved one debilitated is one of the most challenging life events. Both the patient and the partner can be left feeling helpless and hopeless. And rehabilitation and recovery is often, at best, uncertain and is always much too slow. Plus, you're grappling with the pressure of having one's financial safety net threatened. Definite STRESS! Some suggestions:

1) Get into a hospital- or community-based support group for family members of seriously or chronically ill patients. This is probably the single most important step you can take. For example, when a friend's 20 year old daughter was killed in a car accident, the national group Compassionate Friends helped her find the strength to go on. Also, stop by my Tuesday night, 9-10:30pm, EDT, stress support group on Digital City--Washington: <A HREF="aol://4344:363.gorkin.5732839.568857121">Dig City Promo - Stress Doc </A> 2) I assume you've talked to hospital social workers about the Medicaid process. Consider some individual counseling, perhaps from a local United Way Counseling Agency or from Catholic Charities. These organizations often make home visits; you and your husband might both benefit. Or, speak to your spiritual advisor. 3) As stressful as your husband's condition is, try not to make his illness the sole focus of your life. Work (part-time) if necessary, volunteer, maintain contact with friends. How about joining a YMCA for regular exercise and, hopefully, some fellowship. Often "Y"s have sliding scale fees. Don't allow guilt (because of your husband's present constrictions) to keep you from having a life. And, of course...Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, LICSW, the Stress Doc, a psychotherapist and nationally recognized speaker, trainer, consultant and author, is also known as AOL's and the internet's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Check out his USA Today Online "Hot Site" website - www.stressdoc.com  and his page on AOL/Online Psych, Keyword: Stress Doc

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