Ask the Stress Doc -- Q & A

1) Workplace Abuse, PTSD and Family Skepticism of Depression
2) New Role Anxiety Plus Tired of Refereeing Father and Son Battles

Q. Hi, I could go on and on but I'll try to be brief. I'm a Restaurant General Manager, 3 years now, I recently put myself out on stress leave. Workers comp is investigating and I'm collecting disability till then, (CA) My boss is verbally abusive, uses profanity with me, and is, obvious to many, discriminating by a higher expectation of me than my peers. The more I have to accomplish, the less I am physically able to do. I mean I completely shut down. This is only worsening the issue but I cannot control it. I have no one to help me, do u have any suggestions? I am seeing a therapist (2 visits thus far), but I am looking for as much help as I can get, my family can't understand my depression (3 weeks on Paxil now with minimum results). Please if you have any legal advice it would be helpful also.

A. Seems like getting away from an abusive situation is clearly an essential first step. And if this emotional pounding went on for a while, you might even have some post-traumatic stress effects. You may need some time to retreat and rest, grieve, lick and clean wounds, etc., before you experience signs of healing and recovery. Also, antidepressant medication isn't exact science. You may need to experiment with different types till you find the one most effective. In addition to individual therapy (a psychiatrist might be a useful expert in a legal proceeding), I'd consider joining a support group, such as a PTSD group. Perhaps a Codependency Anonymous (CODA) 12-step group in light of your frustration with your family's lack of understanding and support.

I understand your anger and sense of isolation. If you've felt a pattern of emotional abandonment or family (or spousal) rejection this might exacerbate your current painful perceptions of both work and family. Consider inviting family members to a depression support group to help them understand depression and overcome the common stigma: having depression doesn't mean you are crazy! Still we often have to accept the emotional limitations or set ways of our significant others. We need to let go of trying to change them and to connect with others who are more nurturing.

Q. Oh, boy, have I got one for you! After 3 1/2 months of unemployment, I have accepted a job in Medical Records at a "retirement community." It turns out to be a salaried position, which is synonymous with "who says you can leave yet?" And after a week in which I have had no one to inservice me about the 3 computer systems for which I will be responsible, the ops are starting to make some sense. Now I discover that admissions & discharge counseling and Medicare billing have been added to my job description. I don't know how; I have never done this before. I was a patient-care assistant in a doctor's office! HELP!! Life at home is even more fun...my husband and our 18 yr-old son are battling like two bulls in a very small pasture. My son threatens to move out (he's still in high school) and my husband can't wait to lock the door behind him! They are acting like six yr-old twins, the way they argue & jockey for my allegiance. I'm ready to smack them both!

A. Sounds like your fighting a multifront war. Clearly, you are a self-learner and self-starter, and I congratulate you. Fact of worklife: management always gives extra work to those most productive. Two survival strategies: 1) it's okay to be an awkward and somewhat anxious beginner. Patiently accept your learning curve; and make sure the supervisor is on the same page. (If he or she can't or won't understand this startup process, then there's another issue.) 2) if you objectively believe too much is hitting you too fast, then practice a little "N & N" with your supervisor: you need to say "No" and to "Negotiate" a realistic workload/startup time line. If a supervisor or top management won't play ball, with your abilities you'll find another field in which to develop and shine.

As for the home front, are hubby and son reacting to your working or your current stress level? (I suspect not.) Or, have their bullheaded ways been ongoing? Assuming the latter, I'd strongly consider family counseling. Right now you don't have time or energy to keep the combatants in neutral corners. The same sex parent of the teen is often in an especially vulnerable position. Your son's rebelliousness, physical maturity, etc., may be stirring up your husband. Unfinished authority and dependence-independence issues with his own father and or other family members get played out in his battles with junior. And, again, depending on his family history, you may be playing mother as well. Get some help; you already have role overload!

Mark Gorkin, LICSW, the Stress Doc, a psychotherapist and nationally recognized speaker, trainer, consultant and author, is also known as AOL's and the internet's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Check out his USA Today Online "Hot Site" website - www.stressdoc.com  and his page on AOL/Online Psych, Keyword: Stress Doc

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