Ask the Stress Doc -- Q & A
Love & Relationships
Stress Doc Q & A/Digital City--Washington, DC
1) Is Workplace Triangle Cause of Jealousy?
2) Realistic Expectations, Inadequate Performance and Setting Boundaries
Q. My boyfriend's coworkers are causing me stress. His boss is a male and coworker is female and are in a relationship. She has a crush on my boyfriend and the boss gives them work that gives them time alone in odd locations. This story is much longer than this, but what could I do to prevent drama?
A. Well I hope the boss isn't a voyeur and, of course, I'm curious about your closing, "This story is much longer than this." I wonder if either of you have been "unfaithful." I'm assuming now that your boyfriend isn't giving you objective cause to worry, for example, not coming home when expected, etc. Curiosity aside, I think you need to acknowledge your concern with your boyfriend. This doesn't mean demanding that he cease and desist. Does he recognize that the female colleague has a crush on him? Can he understand why you are uncomfortable, anxious, jealous, etc.? This doesn't mean you mistrust him (you may not trust her); you just are admitting your human vulnerability. If the two of you can discuss these work/home triangles, then perhaps your boyfriend will be able to set appropriate boundaries with all parties concerned.
Karen, For the work stress Q & A
Q. My office is painfully understaffed. I hired an assistant not long ago. She was my first choice and a big mistake. She had no prior working experience in her field. Things have to repeated more than once to her. With another person, I am still doing a lot of the daily tasks. I would like to have better luck with office assistant the next time. I am so stressed out. Additionally, I get no personal space or private space. I hate not getting any personal time. Everyday, I yearn to have a few minutes to myself at my desk without walk-ins and interruptions. Would that be possible????
A. Responding to a staffing deficiency with a deficient person only adds to the wound. On the other hand, just because you have to repeat instructions doesn't mean she isn't coachable. Is your tight schedule lowering your patience threshold or do you naturally have some Type A tendencies? If you or someone else gives her a chance for a learning curve and she can't show at least adequate upward movement, then tactfully present the reality: a lack of job fit.
As for your second concern, if you are as indispensable as you sound then, of course, people will constantly be pawing and pulling at you...if you permit it. You are allowed to have some personal time, a closed space -- if not closed door -- policy. I'm a big believer in 10-15 minute meditative naps, especially after lunch or mid-afternoon. If the work environment truly lacks office boundaries, then get out...Take a walk to clear your psyche, lower your stress level and regain focus. And try adding an exercise regimen to your after work lifestyle. Working out your frustrations will make it easier to tolerate and deal with human imperfection, others' as well as our own. Just remember...Practice Safe Stress!
Mark Gorkin, LICSW, the Stress Doc, a psychotherapist and nationally recognized speaker, trainer, consultant and author, is also known as AOL's and the internet's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Check out his USA Today Online "Hot Site" website - www.stressdoc.com and his page on AOL/Online Psych, Keyword: Stress Doc
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